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One Of The Guys On The Upcoming Season Of 'The Bachelorette' Is An Animal Lover From Iowa Named Trent But It's Somehow Not Me

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Am I being trolled by ABC? What is happening here? This is crazy. Named Trent? Check. From Iowa? Check. Loves animals? Check. And it’s not me. How is it not me? I honestly think ABC is fucking with me. For real. I’ve been tweeting about the Bachelor and Bachelorette for years. They know that I know that they know who I am. They just won’t acknowledge me because I tweet not-so-kind things about the show. So this is their way of getting back at me. By sub-casting me with a guy who may or may not have stolen my identity. Just poking their thumbs right in my eye. I hope this imposter Trent gets his heart broken in the most brutal way possible. I couldn’t be rooting harder against him.

By the way, I don’t even wanna be a contestant anymore. That ship has sailed. I don’t love Becca. I loved JoJo and she is the one I wanted to be a contestant for. She still has my heart despite her longterm relationship with the lesser Rodgers brother. Now? Now I’ll settle for being the Luggage Guy. If you don’t know who the Luggage Guy is, he’s the guy who takes away the luggage of the guy who doesn’t get picked on a 2-on-1 date. It’s a small but important role. I wanna be the Luggage Guy so bad.