Argentina's Soccer Team Gives Players A Manual Teaching Them How To Have Sex With Russian Women at the World Cup

Translated:

THE SUN – ARGENTINA’S football bosses published outrageous World Cup tips on how to “get lucky with a Russian girl”.

The guidance was included in a manual on Russian culture given to execs, coaches, players and journalists heading to next month’s tournament.

Guests accompanying Lionel Messi & Co. to the tournament were shocked to be given tips on picking up “beautiful” women during a seminar.

It was delivered by Russian language expert Dr Eduardo Pennisi and organised by the Argentina Football Association (AFA), reveal reports.

Advice included: “Russian girls, like any other girl, pay close attention to whether you are clean, smell good and are well dressed.

Everyone’s kind of outraged about this (shocking I know), but if you actually take the time to Google Translate it and read it – it’s actually pretty respectful.

One chapter of the manual was entitled: ‘What do I have to do to get lucky with a Russian girl’

“The first impression is important to them, so pay attention to your image.”

Another paragraph read: “Russian girls do not like to be regarded as objects, and hate annoying men.

Don’t be negative. Don’t ask the same old questions, be original.”

It continued: “They like men with initiative. If you don’t have it, practise with other women beforehand.

“Many men, because Russian woman are beautiful, just want to get them into bed.

Another part of the chapter tells the men travelling to Russia: “Do not ask stupid questions about sex. For Russians, sex is something very private and not discussed in public.”

The document also assures the delegates they will find plenty of beautiful Russian women to seduce so they can afford to be “selective”.

It says: “Of course you will find girls who are concerned about material things, how much money you have, if you are handsome.

“But don’t worry, there are many beautiful women in Russia and not all of them are right for you. Be selective.”.

Half way through the three-hour meeting, as images from the manual appeared on the internet, staff reportedly started going round the room removing the guides.

The pages were torn out before being returned to those present, according to reports.

Let’s break down the tips given to the club.

“The first impression is important to them, so pay attention to your image.”   “Russian girls, like any other girl, pay close attention to whether you are clean, smell good and are well dressed.

This is just good advice for life in general, not just dating.  Take a shower, don’t smell like shit, and don’t dress like an asshole.  Applies to picking up women, working in an office, going out on the town, just being alive.

“Russian girls do not like to be regarded as objects, and hate annoying men.”

Um.  No woman is an object.  Women are PEOPLE.   Nobody knows that and respects that more than Barstool Sports.  “Many men, because Russian woman are beautiful, just want to get them into bed” fits in this section too.   You know what’s more beautiful than physical beauty?

A personality.

“They like men with initiative. If you don’t have it, practise with other women beforehand.”

Uh yeah.  “Confidence is key” is like the most widely accepted fact in the dating world.  How many ugly guys do you see landing beautiful women?   How did Lyle Lovett nail down Julia Roberts?  How does Feitelberg scoop up every 10 we see at the bar?  Confidence confidence confidence.  Take the initiative, and if you’re bad at it, practice with a friend or co-worker that you have no fucking shot with first.  Same with “In both cases it is necessary that you change your attitude, but for nervous guys, relax, it is only a girl, nothing more.”  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.  If it works out, great.  If it doesn’t, masturbate.

Just not too closely to match time.  I find that cumming shortly before a competition releases too much pent up aggression that you need for optimal performance, and the come-down from the burst of endorphins can leave you tired and drowsy and susceptible to goals being scored all over you.

“Do not ask stupid questions about sex. For Russians, sex is something very private and not discussed in public.”

Never kiss and tell.  Keep it in the bedroom.  Again, just some solid advice:  be a gentleman.  Sure American women may be a little more loosey goosey with their sex lives.  They’re a little more crass and crude.  They do things like yell out “sometimes you just wanna get fucked!” on national radio shows.  But Russian women – they’re all class.  What happens in the stays in the .    (Our fucking horrible technology won’t let me type that word in normal text, and it won’t even let me resize the fucking picture to normal size.  It’s Russian for bedroom.)

Don’t talk about your sex moves that are raved about the world over – let them do the talking for you, if you’re lucky enough to get to the position of having a wonderfully romantic and sensual and consensual evening.

“Of course you will find girls who are concerned about material things, how much money you have, if you are handsome. But don’t worry, there are many beautiful women in Russia and not all of them are right for you. Be selective.”

Most of the cheat sheet is about being respectful to women, but this one is about something just as important: respecting yourself.  You deserve better than going after a gold digger or a money grubber.  You deserve someone who likes you for you.  You don’t need a cleat chaser that wants to brag to their friends they banged a soccer player and posts an early morning picture of you sleeping next to her on her Instagram.  You deserve the best and you deserve what’s right for you and your heart. Love yourself and others will love you.

Although I would say women “wanting you to be handsome” isn’t the most ridiculous ask if we’re being honest.

Anyway, regardless of how respectful and pragmatic these guidelines were, the AFA still felt compelled to issue an apology.

Looks like nobody on Argentina is getting laid.  Good news at least is we can hammer the betting lines, these guys are going to be so pissed off they had this tip sheet ripped away from them they’ll be fucking fired up and looking to take their anger out on all the teams on the pitch.