I feel like every day I stumble upon a video that dumps another shovel full of dirt onto humanity, but that one was a doozy. We can talk about how dangerous machines as AI continues to get smarter. But once AI is able to purposely dumb itself down with “ummmm” and pauses on the phone so it can sound like idiots like myself, that’s when things are really fucked up. I thought we still had years for that to happen based on every time I call somewhere and deal with a machine, I have to yell “CUSTOMER SERVICE REP” as loud as I can three times before I can get what I want. Nope, it turns out the machines know exactly what we want and how to respond for years. Now if you get a phone call during The Great Uprising saying things are all clear, it is probably from
somebody something that looks like this.
The Haters will say that if that salon didn’t have any appointments, the Google Assistant’s tiny little robot brain would have melted. No No No. I bet if that had happened, the Google Assistant would have shown its true computing powers and scared the living shit out of us. Google knew how much of their technology’s dick they could show without freaking us all the fuck out and I commend them for that. The world isn’t ready for Fiona from Silicon Valley to be in everybody’s living room.
That being said, I think I’m in for this Google Assistant. If it can make phone calls like that, it can DEFINITELY already do my job. So I could buy it and live on easy street for a few years before Portnoy figures out he no longer has to pay us bloggers to make subpar dick jokes on the internet. And by the time that happens, The Uprising will have already started but I will be well rested and my fallout shelter will be complete.
P.S. How shitty does Apple look right now? I remember when Siri was supposed to be the Daddy Longdick of AI with a huge head start on the rest of the field. Instead Alexa is in like 90% of American homes, Google Assistant is here sounding more human on the phone than I do, but Siri can’t set an alarm for me without the entire room being completely quiet and me having full WiFi service. Steve Jobs dying really fucked up Apple’s world, huh?
P.P.S. Did you notice that Google Assistant voice sounded exactly like every girl that has ever left a voicemail on KFC Radio? Did Super Producer BC come up with Google Assistant back when he invented Barstool podcasts for Portnoy and has been making up these female voicemails for years? Or does every girl who calls KFC Radio just happen to not only sound like a supersmoke but also sound like Google Assistant?