It’s mid-May, which means the annual rites of Spring are being churned out daily. Allergies are fucking up people’s worlds, the Toronto Raptors have been eliminated from the playoffs by LeBron James, and the Knicks will be present at the NBA Draft Lottery provided they didn’t trade their pick for a shitty player (they didn’t this year). So as is a tradition around these parts, I have decided to rank the best and worst choices of people to rep the Knicks during the annual Most Important Night In Franchise History That They Fucked Up Months Ago By Winning Games They Shouldn’t Have Won Like Assholes. The Knicks also haven’t moved up in the draft since the infamous Patrick Ewing lottery of 1985 and have actually dropped positions the last two lotteries they had their pick, so I think we need to figure out how to stop moving backwards before we can move forward.
I also talked to Coley and I think we will be doing another live stream of the lottery like we did last year to get everyone’s reactions as they happen. Hopefully this year works out better for me than last year.
Onto the list!
Dead Last. Clyde Frazier
Look, I love Clyde. He is my 2nd favorite Knick of all-time behind Charles Oakley and I never watched him play a game in my life. His lavish lexicon tickles my ear drums every season, even when the Knicks are in the gutter. Clyde should be a good juju magnet thanks to his suits, his personality, and to be honest his incredible sexual aura. But he repped the Knicks at last year’s lottery and the Knicks moved down a spot in the draft. He’s out.
2nd-To-Dead-Last. Steve Mills
I’ve discussed just how shitty the Knicks have been whenever Mills has been a part of the MSG “brain”trust way too much. But again, the highlighted years are when Mills was on the payroll at The Garden and the other years are when he wasn’t.
HOWEVA, even though the Knicks dropped TWO spots with Mills representing them while also giving us that perfect picture to embody Knicks failure, the team did end up with Kristaps Porzingis that year. If the Knicks stand pat in that lottery, they probably draft Jahlil Okafor instead of Porzingis because Phil Jackson loved the size of Okafor’s ass.
It’s a rule that these rankings have to include some sort of Knicks fan and I’ve been #done with Spike Lee as the unofficial Knicks mascot for years. So I’m picking Stewart who went viral for wearing the look every Knicks fan has 50+ times a season.
4. Scott Perry
I like almost all the moves that Scott Perry has made since becoming Knicks GM and everything I have heard about him makes me feel like the Knicks are in good hands, at least until Steve Mills or James Dolan fuck it all up. Perry may not have the “WOW” or celebrity factor of everyone else on this list, but Bill Parcells probably would agree that the guy that is in charge of picking out the groceries should be the one at the grocery store finding out what number he is in the deli meat line. Or something like that.
The big downside to Perry is that he already has Knicks Stink on him, as seen by being a part of this absolutely RIDICULOUS Triple Handshake from his introductory press conference.
Stick to the Everyone Touch The Basketball Monstars Pose That The Knicks Do Every Other Year Because They Have Fired And Hired An Exec Pose guys.
3. David Stern
Everyone knows the story. David Stern (allegedly) fixed the lottery the last time the Knicks won it. This brief video will give you a refresher.
Depending on who you ask, Stern also (allegedly) fixed everything under the sun to ensure big market teams like the Knicks would be good and make the playoffs, even though James Dolan’s leadership canceled most of that out in the 2000s. But nonetheless, Adam Silver seeing his old boss that raised him since he was hatched from his egg repping the Knicks would probably shake him to his core like the Pentangeli brothers court scene in Godfather 2.
2. James Dolan
Okay okay okay, settle down everyone. I know seeing Public Enemy Number 1 in New York sports this high on the list may trigger some people. But I have Dolan this high for a reason. Imagine if James Dolan came out and said he was sick of the Knicks never winning the lottery and he will continue to represent them at said lottery and play a free post-lottery concert with his band until the Knicks win it? Wouldn’t that bum out everyone that has to attend the lottery every year, from Adam Silver on down? You’re goddamn right it would. Which is why I believe there’s a chance Silver would get his Stern on and fix that shit so he knows he doesn’t have to see with Dolan’s ewok ass the same time every year.
1. David Fizdale (with Mrs. Fizdale)
David Fizdale is cool as fuck, seemingly way too good to be the coach of the Knicks, and has a smoke of a wife. You can’t teach that kind of mojo. And since the Knicks have only a 1.7% chance of the Number 1 pick and just a 6.1% chance of a Top 3 pick, we could definitely print the TAKE THAT FOR DATA Fizdale shirts that I wanted to sell after he was hired. But since using a phrase your head coach said while with another team is the sports version of stolen valor, we had to hold off. However, you better believe Welker will start the printing press up if the Knicks somehow win the Number 1 pick with Fiz and Mrs. Fiz at the lottery.
Also Receiving Votes: Anthony Mason’s kids, Charles Oakley (LOL), A Member of Dave DeBusschere’s family, Whoopi Goldberg, any player on the Knicks except for Joakim Noah, any former Knicks players except for the onces that sold out and sat court side with James Dolan when he was in Damage Control Mode after the Oakley Incident