Surviving Barstool | Ep. 3 Premieres Wednesday (11/29) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 2 NOW

Feds Tapped Trump's Lawyer Michael Cohen's Phones Where He Reportedly Said He Was Destroying Evidence

U.S. President Donald Trump's personal lawyer Michael Cohen exits a hotel in New York City

Damn. That’s wild.


Anyway, I’m really struggling today! It’s warm in the city and I decided to have noodles for lunch. Bad choice. You see, the temperature of the noodles was too damn hot. I ate them with the fury of a thousand samari warriors, sorry if that offends, and I sat in my chair with a belly full of noodles and leaking water from my underarms.

To make matters worse, the salt is making me feel very bloated. In hindsight, I should have gotten a salad. My button just popped on my salmon colored shorts. Not the best feeling in the world. Between my pits, my shorts, and my dick hole being stretched by a kidney stone, I’m giving this day 1.2 Balls so far. It’s only 1:40 so there’s time to improve. Let’s go, Universe.