What's The One Thing You Miss From Your Teenage Years? Random Boners? MY COLUMN

Preblog: Gotta admit, folks. I had to write that headline pretty fast. I’m on a plane and writing “boners” in 32 font felt weird. It’s ok though. We’ll get through it.


I saw this tweet last night and I was trying to think of something that I missed. There’s a few things. I miss drinking caffeinated drinks for dinner and not thinking about how late that I would be up. On the other hand, soft drinks are bad for you, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

I also miss having summers off. Swimming with my pals was always a blast. I remember the summer of my sophomore year of high school. My friend Derek had a pool. His parents were at work all day, so we spent the day jamming out to Usher’s My Way on repeat.

I miss hitting mad dives and flips but not nearly as much as I miss having NARBs (No Apparent Reason Boners).

When I was in science class, I used to get mad boners, dude. It was the best! I’d be sitting there learning about the sun and whathaveyou. I’d shift in my seat a certain way and next thing you know… boner. When you get a no reason boner, you try so hard to not think about it. You try to block it out of your mind. You cant though.

If you were like me as a teenager, you wore basketball shorts most of the time. You’d try to shift your boner into the waistband of your shorts. That’ll help! Help what? Your boner, dude! You’re not supposed to be thinking about it, though! And so it grows.

Damn it! You touched it again.

Think of something else. Anything else. Think of… YOUR BONER!


“Hey Chaps,” the teacher would say from the front of the class. “Can you come to the front of the class and draw a cell for us?”

Can I come?

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In your mind, this image flashes up because you were studying late last night because you couldn’t sleep. Probably because you had a coke with dinner.


God damn. Why’s the plasma wall gotta look so damn thicc? The plasma membrane is making your boner go bonkers in your britches. Glucose makin you grow. Photosynthesis? More like that plant cell is lookin photothiccinshit. Goodness gracious. Youre chlorophyllin your shorts with a big ole boner.

Memories right?

So yeah. That’s what I miss about my teenage years. That and No Limit being better than Cash Money Records for about 6 months. That was cool too. Oh. And playing snake on my nokia.

Good work, everybody. Namaste.