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Who Decapitated This Goat? And How Long Will Roger Goodell Suspend Him For? My Column.

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Fox News New Jersey investigators are trying to figure out if people performing a ritual are responsible for the remains of a decapitated goat found Monday in a storage bin near railroad tracks.

The goat’s body was found along the New York Susquehanna Railroad tracks in Elmwood Park, according to the The Record of Bergen County.

“Upon arrival, officers located a 27-gallon plastic tote which contained the carcass of a headless goat,” Elmwood Park Police Chief Michael Foligno told NJ.com in an email.

The Bergen County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals also responded to the scene, but no other evidence was found.

“The entire area was canvassed for additional evidence with negative results,” Foligno said, adding police were looking into whether the goat was killed in a ritual.

Elmwood Park police urge anyone with information about the goat’s death to contact them.

You hate to see stuff like this. Goats are nice animals. They live in farms. They make funny noises and there are also those ones that faint when they feel scared. I like those ones a lot.

Whoever killed this goat is an absolute monster. Let it be known. Would I still eat this headless goat? Undoubtedly, but that’s neither here nor there. This monster, or group of monsters, needs to be found and punished immediately. We need a high powered, independent investigation, in the name of justice.

Who better to grab this case by the horns than the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell? With the NFL Draft underway and soon to be completed, he undoubtedly has time on his hands to take on the investigation, and the man has been the face of some of the biggest criminal cases in recent history; Aaron Hernandez’s murder trial and subsequent suicide in prison, Ray Rice assaulting his wife, Josh Gordon smoking weed, and even Terrelle Pryor trading a championship ring for a free tattoo.

Now, based on what I’ve read we don’t have any clues as to who committed this crime and I’m pretty sure it would need to be an NFL player for Roger Goodell to get involved, so we’re gonna have our work cut out for us here. But at the same time, if Adrian Peterson could hit his kid with a branch, I wouldn’t put it past another NFL player to decapitate a goat.

It could have been a team building thing, or just a weekend BBQ amongst teammates. Yoenis Cespedes (New York Mets’ superstar) used to roast pigs and shit for his teammates. There’s a lotta guys from different places playing in the league, especially for teams in this area. All i’m saying is maybe Roger should look into it so he can clear the leagues name…

Based on how seriously he has taken the prior crimes of his league’s players, I can only imagine Roger Goodell would approach this case with the vigor and focus of a 13 year old boy who stumbled onto his father’s Playboy collection; And I think that’s just what we need to truly bring whoever decapitated this goat to justice.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell News Conference

Let’s say, for the sake of conversation (and justice), that this crime was committed by an NFL player, perhaps born and raised in the NY/NJ metro area, who was home spending their offseason with family and childhood friends. They’re all happy to be spending some quality time together after the long and tolling NFL season, and now that their beloved friend/family member has some $$, they’re gonna do it big. They throw a huge BBQ and decide they want to cook a whole goat, but don’t know where to get one. One thing leads to another and next thing they know they’re buying a goat from a local farm under the pretense of gaining access to some fresh goat’s milk. A little white lie never hurt anybody.

But when they get the goat home, all hell breaks loose. It starts pooping everywhere and making goat sounds and breaking shit in the house. Who knows why they thought bringing this goat inside a mansion would be a good idea; the damage is already done. They finally wrestle it outside but at this point they’ve all but given up on cooking the fucker. It needs to be punished…

I don’t think I need to go any further with this story for you to understand my angle here. It’s completely reasonable to think that this crime COULD have been committed by an NFL player. The real question is: How long would Roger Goodell suspend him for?

This is such a loaded fucking question they could probably dedicate a semesters worth of college classes to it. On one hand, Roger Goodell is known for having a swift and decisive hand when it comes to punishment. He makes his mind up and sticks to it. Ray Rice was given a firm suspension after he was caught on camera knocking his fiancee out and dragging her from an elevator by her hair. Colin Kaepernick has yet to return from his suspension after he disrespected the flag. Josh Gordon is just returning from his multiple years worth of suspensions following his run ins with the devil’s seductress, Mary Jane.

On another hand, Aaron Hernandez killed someone and he wasn’t suspended at all. Ray Lewis also killed someone I think and he’s a hall of fame guy. I know Goodell wasn’t the commissioner then, but I don’t think that makes what Ray Lewis did okay. No one is above god’s law.

If I were a betting man, I’d say killing and decapitating a goat these days would get you a 6-game suspension, that would be reduced to 2 after an appeal by the NFL Player’s Union. I came to this conclusion for a few reasons. Just looking at Goodell’s history handing out suspensions, you’d have to really consider the caliber of NFL player we’re dealing with here before you can really speculate.

If it’s a star, no way they get anymore than 6-games. Ray Rice got 2 games (and an indefinite suspension that was overturned upon appeal) and that video was fucking brutal. If a video appears of an NFL player decapitating this goat, we can readdress this, but for now I just don’t see it. If the crime was committed by someone who people don’t care about, I’d even go as low as 4-games that could probably get appealed down to 1.

I don’t get how appeals work, but they always seem to work and the player’s union probably have some kick ass goat lawyers up their sleeves. Who knows? With the right defense you could probably even argue they were within their rights to decapitate this wild goat.

(I think I just talked myself out of finding justice for this goat. That fucker probably deserved it and I’m over him.)