The Giants Personal Boogeyman Jason Witten Is Planning To Retire From The NFL To Become An Analyst On Monday Night Football

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I know ESPN rightfully gets shit on a lot around here. But I owe the ESPN exec that convinced this football zombie to retire a steak dinner if they actually have steakhouses in Bristol. Here are a couple fun facts about Jason Witten’s career:

1. Witten has been on the Cowboys since before Troy Aikman’s rookie season. He actually is the last of the Tom Landry Cowboys to wear the star in Big D
2. Witten caught every big third down pass and game-winning touchdown against the Giants during that time
3. Witten was never tackled during his career. Anytime he was ruled down, it was due to forward motion (95% of the time) or somehow being pushed out of bounds (5% of the time)
4. He went to Cabo with Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson during the Cowboys bye week of the 2007-08 NFL Playoffs before the Giants beat the Cowboys in the NFC Divisional Round

As for Witten’s next step, I wish him luck. Like literally all the luck on the planet. And not because he always seemed like a decent dude despite ripping my team’s heart out eveyr year. I don’t want Witten to even dream of pulling a Jay Cutler and coming back to football if a couple of Cowboys tight ends get injured. I want him as far away from the field as possible. If we are being completely honest, I’ll be uncomfortable with him even being in the booth during Giants games. But it’s better than having him on the field.

After all the trash talk about the Giants taking a running back too high despite him being rated as the best player in the draft, it’s hard to not feel like the Football Gods may actually be smiling upon the Giants during the draft. I am giving the Giants an A+ for their 2nd round and we are still 8 hours from it being made. Jason Witten was like Michael Myers. He may be slow and it never quite made sense how he did it, but he always killed you in the end. Simply Googling “Jason Witten Giants” brings up like 100 different painful memories of him dragging Giants defenders across the field.


I have no idea how good he will be in his next endeavor, but considering the Monday Night Football game is usually like the 10th best game on the schedule any given week, there shouldn’t be too much pressure.

Now play him off Mikhy!