Sorry For Being Brave Enough To Ask The Tough Questions, But Why Don't More Restaurants Serve Apple Sauce?


[Jordie’s Disclaimer: This blog was brought to you by the fact that there were zero Stanley Cup Playoff games played last night.]

So I hope everybody is sitting down right now because I’m about to fuck you all up with some truth real quick. Apple sauce is without a doubt the most underrated and disrespected snack in the game. Without question. I mean just look at it’s body of work. Think about how much apple sauce has been through. This shit has been around since the days of the depression. And through it all, it has remained consistently good. Hell, apple sauce is playing it’s best snackage of its career right now and its at least a hundred years old, probably older. I’m not saying that apple sauce is elite. I’m not saying that apple sauce is a unanimous MVP. What I’m saying is that apple sauce has been in the game for literally ever and has never once shown any signs of dropping off. It has remained consistently above average for its entire career. Nothing more, but more importantly, nothing less.

Which is why it is baffling that you don’t see apple sauce on every single restaurant menu in America. The thing about apple sauce that I think is holding it back is the fact that you kind of forget how good it is until you finally have it again for the first time in a while. The reason why you probably haven’t had apple sauce in a while is because as it stands right now, you either need to make a conscious effort to buy apple sauce at the grocery store or else you’re rarely presented with the opportunity to have apple sauce. But that could change if more restaurants started having it as a side. You see apple sauce on the menu and you’re like, “damn. Apple sauce is fucking delicious. Why the heck don’t I get this more often? Hells yes I’ll have the apple sauce with that”.

And for the restaurants themselves? Well it is easy, easy money. How much does a jar of apple sauce cost? Maybe a couple of bucks? Retail price? You’re pretty much turning a profit after the first bowl of apple sauce you sell. It looks like pocket change at first but after a few years of adding apple sauce to your menu? We’re talking millions and millions and millions of dollars. Even better is the fact that you can just sprinkle a little cinnamon on that shit and jack up the price some more. Maybe add some strawberry or cranberries and keep hiking up that price. On second thought, I think it’s time for Barstool to get into the apple sauce game. Brand our own apple sauce. Maybe get a few professional athletes to start pimping that shit out. Make it the official snack of Rough N Rowdy. Everybody can retire in 3 years.