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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

SST

AustraliaA former Adelaide private school teacher who groomed one of her male students had booked a cottage where she intended to have sex with him, a court has heard. 

In sentencing submissions on Monday, the South Australian District Court heard the grooming by Bettina Schmoock could not be considered ‘mere fantasy’, though no sexual activity ever took place.

‘She took steps to act on that by booking a cottage where the sex was to occur,’ prosecutor Mark Norman said, as Schmoock shook her head and looked down. …

In a victim impact statement read to the court, the boy – in the courtroom with his family – said his contact with Schmoock was initially comforting and described her as his best friend. … But he said their relationship became too toxic to maintain, leaving him feeling trapped and alone. …

Defence counsel said she had been affected by a four-month-long hypomanic episode, as part of her undiagnosed bipolar disorder, at the time of the offending. … He urged the court to impose a suspended sentence, as the mother of two is not an Australian citizen and could be deported should she receive a sentence of 12 months or more next week.

Wow Australia, are you doing this all wrong. As far as I can remember, this is the first Teacher Sex Scandal I’ve done from Down Under. And if this is how you’re going to approach these, it’ll help explain why my ancestors were terrified of getting sent to Van Diemen’s Land.

SST stories are supposed to be uplifting. Positive. They’re about a young man (or more) finding love in the arms (and legs) of a deranged horny (preferably attractive) woman trying to cling to her youth. They’re not supposed to be some hausfrau who looks like deep-fried hell scaring and intimidating a kid to her sex cabin against her will. And we definitely prefer the women to be sex crazy. The old fashioned way. Not literally diagnosed with actual disorders that take all the fun out of it. So clean it up, Aussies. This is one pisspoor attempt and I’ll expect more going forward from one of the funnest countries in the world.

The Grades:
Looks: Mr. Drummond from Diff’rent Strokes. No points for her attorney looking like Elton John playing the piano.
Grade: D

Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: It’s wrong. It’s just all wrong. Where’s the romance? The seduction? The actual intercourse, which they never actually had. This one is just remorse wrapped up in a warm tortilla of sadness and smothered in a regret sauce.
Grade: F

Intangibles: Bettina Schmoock is one of the greatest names I’ve ever heard in my life. If there was any real sex moves involved here I’d move we call it “giving her the Bettina Schmoock.” So much wasted potential. Thanks for nothing, Germany.
Grade: A

Overall: D+. I think it’s best if we just ignore this GtNSST and move on.

Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 or email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.