I'm in No Mood for Gronk's Jokes About Skipping Practices

Look I don’t want to read too much into Gronk’s press conference over the weekend. When I first saw on Twitter that he had a major announcement to make along with a shot of the podium with the ad on it, I knew two things: There would be no major announcement. And he was there to sell high fructose liquid caffeine. Period. Nothing to see here. So I ignored it and went back to the business of living my best life.

But 48 hours later this is legitimately bugging me. And, I believe, a lot of like-minded people. I take a back seat to no man when it comes to my appreciation for Gronk humor. He is to the 69 joke was Dangerfield was to self-deprecation or Jim Gaffigan is to G-rated observational comedy. Just tapping a bottomless well of laughs out of the same comedic voice. But these jokes failed to land for a reason. And it’s not just because they were terrible.

It’s because Patriots, for the most part, are sick of this shit.

Gronk has gotten laughs with weak jokes before because we knew where he was coming from. He was a happy, fun-obsessed, genuine man of the people who’d earned all the goodwill in the world by performing his ass off. Whether it was on the field or the dance floor, in practice or working the reality TV circuit.

But now is not the time. The reason this went up the ass of most Patriots fans sideways is because 2018 has felt like the Very Special Episode of a 90s sitcom. Something’s wrong with our folks and we think dad might be having an affair and we’re all waiting for the happy ending where it was all a big misunderstanding where dad has only been sneaking around because he’s planning to surprise mom with a trip for their anniversary followed by hugs and learning, roll the credits. But that’s not happening. It just keeps going on and on and on.

So the last thing anyone needs right now is one of the allegedly miserable parties involved in all this supposed dysfunction playing it for laughs just to sell energy drinks and bike races. Much of comedy is about reading the room. About knowing your audience and delivering what will work for them. This was not it. If we knew everything was business as usual in Foxboro? Sure. We’d be laughing at the lame gag with one, big “That’s So Gronk!” This is the furthest thing from that.

And judging by the reaction on the Patriots official team site, the people who handle their media not amused either.

Gronk presser

Maybe there’s nothing to this. Like I said last week, reports are that Brady is already lining up his skill position guys, including Gronkowski, to a passing camp at his place in Yellowstone. But if there are no issues between the players and the team, we deserve to hear it. Not bad one-liners told through a Daft Punk helmet. And more and more I start to make peace with the idea we might see him traded on Draft Day if not sooner. I hope not. But regardless I’m not ready for this year’s Summer of Gronk to start two months too early.