I'd Like One Of You To Break My Orbital Bone So I Have An Excuse To Wear The Joel Embiid Mask And Goggles

Philadelphia 76ers v Miami Heat - Game Three

If there’s one takeaway I had from Joel Embiid’s playoff debut last night, it was how badass the mask/goggles combo looked out there on the court. Like some sort of futuristic basketball god who was sent back in time to beat the shit out of Justice Winslow and ruin Hassan Whiteside’s life. You can’t tell me that this isn’t the last image that Justice Winslow will think about at night before he falls asleep for the rest of his life.

Philadelphia 76ers v Miami Heat - Game Three

Now I’m not exactly a guy who is ahead of the curve when it comes to fashion trends. I’m sure I wouldn’t necessarily fit in with the Failing Upwards crew. But I still like to look good and I think I know style when I see it. And Joel Embiid’s DeathMask is, how the kids these days say, how you get a fit off. Naturally, I’d very much enjoy rocking this look myself. Whether it’s while I’m blogging or at the grocery store or heading to the bar or whatever. I can assure you that Joel Embiid’s DeathMask is going to be the hottest look of the summer, much like male rompers were last year.

With all that being said, I don’t think this is a look for just anybody and everybody. This is a look you have to earn. You can’t just strap one of these masks on with a perfectly healthy and structurally sound face. If you’re going to wear the mask, you better damn well need it. So this is why I’m willing to go the extra mile just to be able to pull off this mask. Which means that I will now be accepting applications for one of you to come over, punch me in the face and break my orbital bone. If you can do it with just one punch, that would be preferred. But I’m willing to take at least 2-3 knucks to the face if need be.

You can submit all applications right here.