In Honor Of Oscar De La Hoya's Alleged Sex Tape - What Is The Best Kitchen Utensil To Have Sex With?

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.51.01 PM

So if you haven’t heard apparently Oscar De La Hoya is in the middle of an extortion plot over a sex tape. The backstory sounds pretty fucked up and he basically got set up by a couple of Instagram models who came over to his house, had sex with him, taped it, then immediately tried to sell it for 2 million dollars. Little life lesson in all of this, if 2 chicks on Instagram hit you up saying they want to fuck maybe do a background check or at the bare minimum don’t allow cell phones during the sex party. Anyway, the interesting point of the whole story is this line.

(Source) The content of the ‘shocking’ sex tape allegedly includes a totally naked De La Hoya playing the part of exhibitionist in front of two women, one blonde and one brunette, while in one scene the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils.  

Now I’ve never had sex with a kitchen utensils, I’m more of a 30 seconds missionary type of guy, so I’m not sure how this all went done HOWEVER (Stephen A Smith voice) if I were to have sex with Kitchen utensils here are my top 5 items. Let the debate begin.

5. Knives

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.57.58 PM

Please be safe when having sex with knives. We’d prefer to not have Braveheart incident happen, yeah you know what scene I’m talking about. Also always ask for knife consent, very very important.

4. Cheese Grater

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.52.15 PM

To be totally honest I’m putting Cheese Grater in here just because I don’t want to come across as a prude. I guarantee there is some weird dark corner of the internet where people only can get off while being grated. Not my cup of tea, but I’m putting it in here to stave off any PrudeCat comments.

3. Whisk

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.54.08 PM

Fun Fact – In France whisking someone is considered standard ForePlay. You put on your beret, you leave your armpits unshaved, then you whisk your lover while softly muttering “I surrender”. I may have made all of that up but you can’t tell me it isn’t true.

2. Spatula 

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.55.42 PM
Classic spanking utensil. Whoever came up with the spatula definitely said to themselves “how can I create a utensil that flips a perfect pancake while also gives a nice spank sound when fucking in the kitchen”. I’d say there is a 30% chance Oscar was using a spatula at some point during his little romp.

1. Wooden Spoons


Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 12.51.52 PM

This was immediately where my mind went when reading about the kitchen sex. It’s versatile, spanking check. Insertion, check. Eating cookie dough off the spoon because you’re too lazy to actually have sex. Big time Check. The wooden spoon also probably isn’t as cold as a metal utensil. Only down side is splinters in the Vagina, that would suck, thank God I don’t have a Vagina.

What did I miss? Can Opener? Those little measuring cups for piss play? Tongs? Let me know in the comments.