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Jimmy Goldstein Is The Most Intriguing Human Alive

So I’m watching the TNT pregame before Oklahoma City and Utah tip off. Not really paying attention, scrolling the timeline, when suddenly I hear Chuck and Shaq hooting and hollering. I look up to see what the commotion was and it turns out there had been a shot of Donovan Mitchell sitting on the bench, just dribbling the ball, and in the corner of the shot you could just see the right arm of a man’s jacket.

“All I need is an elbow, that’s Jimmy Goldstein.” Exclaimed the oft-wrong Charles Barkley.

TNT cut back to the feed from Chesapeake Energy Arena, the camera zoomed out, and sure enough, there sat Jimmy Goldstein. Bedazzled leather arm draped over Mitchell’s back like a proud dad.

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If you’ve watched oh, I don’t know, absolutely any NBA game the past 40 years, you’ve seen Jimmy Goldstein. He’s as much a face of the Lakers as Uncle Jack or Magic Johnson. He’s so ingrained into the game that you don’t even ask questions. It’d be like asking why the rim is orange or the ball is round. Well, today I asked why the rim is orange by the way of wondering, “Hey, this is an expensive habit Jimmy G’s got. How is he funding all of this? Did he invent rock n’ roll? Does he sell leather coats to the Russians like Tommy Wiseau? What did he do to be able to afford the lifestyle I, specifically, am most jealous of in this entire world?”

Well, I quickly learned (I read like three articles on Google) that legit no one has any idea.

(USA TODAY) – Goldstein said his wealth has been overestimated. “Just say that I’m not a billionaire,’’ he requested.

The evidence he’s telling the truth: Goldstein said David Stern once encouraged him to consider buying the Milwaukee Bucks and said the team might be for sale for $200 million. But Goldstein said he didn’t have enough money and was unable to put together a group of investors before the opportunity fell through.

After earning a bachelor’s degree in economics from Stanford and his MBA from UCLA, Goldstein said, he went to work for an investment firm. But within a decade, he left the firm and made undisclosed investments that have paid a lifestyle he said is fair to describe as hedonistic.

“My goal has been to have enough money to do what I want do and to enjoy life to the fullest, not to be a workaholic,’’ he said.

In 2005, Goldstein apparently told the Boston Globe, “Let’s just say I had some investments that worked out pretty well… I try not to think about the cost, it’s worth it to me.” Which is both the coolest and most ominous thing I’ve ever read. Jimmy Goldstein being able to go to five games a week during the regular season, every playoff game he wants, every Finals game, while dressing like an icon, all under this shroud of secrecy still in 2018 is amazing. No one has secrets anymore. It’s impossible. Yet the old white guy out-dressing Russell Westbrook in Oklahoma City tonight has somehow maintained complete secrecy while sitting out in broad daylight. I’ll never understand how he’s pulling it off, but I’ll respect the hell out of it til my dying day. And I say “my” dying day because Jimmy Goldstein is 1000% going to outlive me.