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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

SST

SSTa

SourceA teacher at a Christian high school in Florida was arrested for allegedly engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a student.

Suzanne Lea Owens, who has now been fired from her role at the private Evangelical Christian School in Fort Myers, is accused of having sex with one of her male students in early April.

The Lee County Sheriff’s Office said Owens had sex with the unidentified student once and the incident happened off-campus.

An investigation also uncovered text messages the 35-year-old married educator had sent the student in the weeks leading up to their sexual encounter. …

The headmaster of Evangelical Christian School released a statement to students and parents asking for prayers for ‘all the families involved’.

I have to admit that there’s not a lot going on with Suzanne Lea Owens and her younger male sidepiece. Put her story in your typical public high school and it barely registers on the Sex Scandal Teacher seismograph. Put her in any public school in the great SST of Florida and this wouldn’t even make the school paper, much less the local news or this legendary running Barstool feature. In Fort Myers your teacher bangs you on stage as you get your diploma instead of shaking your hand.

But put this in an Evangelical Christian School and it makes the grade. Quite literally, in this case. Now what is practically a formality in those godless schools across town where those atheists have replaced prayer with Satan and the Good Book with fornication becomes totally newsworthy. Suzanne Lea Owens managed to break like 7 1/2 of the Ten Commandments in one off-campus sexual encounter and a few dirty texts. Her soul still needs saving, but she totally saved her Sex Scandal Teacher rating.

The Grades:
Looks: OK, she’ll do. Attractive in that way that she won’t turn heads but there’s no a man among us who would say “no.” She seems to be in good shape for 35. Approachably pretty. No wonder this kid gave into temptation.
Grade: B

Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: Yeah, one time sex and a few texts are like the minimum standards now. The baseline. Even if she did cuck her husband and completely disavow her Evangelical beliefs. I’m afraid it would be unfair to all those other hard working, overachieving lunatics to give her anything more than a
Grade: D+

Intangibles: The Harry Potter shirt is just too perfect. It’s true what they say, those books about dark magic really are the tools of the devil.
Grade: A+

Overall: C. Her grades are just so all over the place in the end they just have to average out to … average.

Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 or email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.