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Much Like Myself, The Rock Is Addicted To Buying People Cars

Me and The Rock, just two peas in a pod, eh? We are both unbelievably good looking, we all knew that. We both are fantastic actors, obviously. And we both are super, super jacked, physical specimens who never skip leg day.

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But here’s the thing you didn’t know about me and Dwayne- we both love giving away cars like we’re god damn Oprah. We love it! We wake up in the morning, eat our scrambies, lift some weights, smile for 15 minutes in the mirror about how great it is to be us, and then give away a car. You can set your watch to it. A Range Rover to a cousin out west, a Chrysler to an Uncle down south, a fun little Mazda for a niece’s graduation present. It’s just what we do. It’s a physical addiction. Because when you’re as rich as myself and The Rock, you get the shakes when you go a week without giving away a $50,000 car. Sometimes I’ll see a homeless person stumbling around the sidewalk and buy him a Porsche just to see how long he can drive it before crashing. It’s classic!

Some people get addicted to drugs. Some people get addicted to porn. Me and DJ get addicted to buying lavish gifts for anyone and everyone around us. Just who we are as people, sorry not sorry. Now if you’d excuse me, I have to get back to eating Cup Of Noodles for breakfast now. But it’s because I want to, I swear. Definitely not a money thing at all. Please send money.