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With The Masters Starting Up Today, It's Important To Ask Ourselves Just How Dumb Were The Coaches In "Happy Gilmore"?

The Masters is so rich in tradition and history. Which is why it’s always important to remember the greats whenever the tournament rolls around. One of those greats, of course, was none other than Gilmore, Happy. The man who can hit a hole-in-one on a par 4. Truly a legend of the game and he has the jacket to back it up. But what many people don’t know is that before golf, Happy Gilmore was a hockey player. Not the greatest hockey player in the world but a hockey player nonetheless. And if it weren’t for the complete incompetence of these two imbecile coaches, we may have never even seen him step foot on a golf course before.

Like I said. Happy wasn’t the greatest talent on ice the game has ever seen. But he played the game with heart. He could rip a slapshot faster than fuck. And every team needs a guy like Happy just for protection purposes. I mean..just look at these shmucks.

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First of all, what level is this league anyway? It’s gotta be a glorified beer league team at best, no? And even if they’re playing in some shit league, I can’t see this team even sniffing .500 at any point that season. Jersey tuck guy can probably put the puck in the back of the net here and there but he seems like a sweet bitch as well who will completely shut down the moment anybody gets too physical with him. Want to know who could help him out and make sure nobody tries to touch him? Oh I don’t know, maybe the only guy who ever took his skate off and tried to stab somebody with it.

Think about the Mighty Ducks for a second. Fulton Reed couldn’t skate. Hell, the kid never even laced up a pair of skates before. But Bombay saw raw talent. He saw that Fulton was going to be a missing piece of the puzzle if he didn’t bring him on the team. What happened next? They won the Minnesota State Pee Wee Hockey Championship, followed that up by winning the Junior Goodwill Games, and then followed that up by being a JV high school team who beat their varsity team. Without Fulton? None of that happens. And without Happy Gilmore? Well I’m willing to bet the Warriors probably only had one or two more seasons after this before the team folded. Then everybody goes back to working construction, hating their lives, getting divorced, and Happy Gilmore is out there winning major golf championships. Just saying.

P.S. – Does The Masters need enforcers? You tell me.

@BarstoolJordie