Evgeni Malkin Is A Legitimate Baby And Psychopath

RMNB - In what might be the most confusing altercation of the Caps season, Evgeni Malkin tried to fight TJ Oshie and got in a yelling match with close friend Evgeny Kuznetsov with a minute remaining in the third period.

Malkin refused to leave the ice as he screamed at Kuznetsov. The Penguins forward was given 14 minutes in penalties, including two minutes for interference, two minutes for roughing, and a ten-minute game misconduct.

The kerfuffle started in the neutral zone near the two team’s benches. As Oshie tried to skate into the offensive zone, he collided with Malkin, dropping his stick upon impact. Malkin didn’t appreciate the bump very much so he shot Oshie’s stick into the Caps bench, striking Lane Lambert.

Oshie shoved Malkin in the back in retaliation and the two proceeded to get in a wrestling match. Oshie held Malkin in a headlock while Malkin tried to tackle him to the ice Meanwhile, several players on the Caps bench, most notably Tom Wilson, whispered sweet nothings into Malkin’s ear.

This made Malkin snap and he screamed at Kuznetsov while Sidney Crosby stayed in-between the two players. Linesman Ryan Daisy had to wrestle Malkin off the ice.

After the game, Malkin explained what got him so mad: “Kuzy spoke Russian.” 


What a fucking maniac! I mean we’ve always known Malkin is softer than freshly churned amish butter, but what a psychopath cry baby he is. Gees Louise, I’m embarrassed for him. As if shooting the stick into the bench wasn’t a crazy enough move, he then wet his pants and had a temper tantrum because….

…because Kuzy spoke to him in Russian?

“I don’t know why he started speaking to me in Russian”.

Oh I don’t know, you big dumb idiot, do you think it’s because you’re both…Russian? Could that be in?

“But you can’t speak with me if you’re sitting on the bench.”

What is he even talking about at this point? Did he black out and forget he’s a hockey player for a second? Did he just try to make some un-written hockey rule about players not being able to chirp from the bench?


What a sad little snowflake.


I would love, absolutely LOVE to know what Kuzy said to him in Russia that set him off. It had to be some crazy Russian shit like “Hey Geno I fucked your girlfriend in Putin’s Moscow Palace on top of the Nuclear codes that he’ll never give you cause you’re a little whiny bitch”.

He addressed it further and further made no sense but did find a way to look even more sad

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It is so very, very hockey that the biggest story coming out of this is the fact Malkin is mad at Kuzy for speaking to him in Russian, not the fact he shot a stick at the entire bench. That’s just part of the game, which is great. I was trying to think of something comparable in another sport, like if someone rifled their bat into the opposing team’s dugout in baseball, it would be the top story in sports. But in this scenario, all we need to know is what was said that made Malkin lose his freaking mind. And then we need to keep saying it, forever.