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Ian Poulter Beats Beau Hossler In A Playoff At The Houston Open To Punch His Ticket To Augusta

I’m upset. How did Beau Hossler’s birdie put not drop on the 72nd hole? How? That’s what I wanna know. It was headed straight for the hole. It was in. I still think it was in. I was ready to leap off my couch and drape myself in an American flag. It would’ve slammed the door on Ian Poulter’s trip to Augusta and Beau Hossler would be an American hero.

Seriously. How does this putt not drop?

Millimeters. I was already crafting a tweet that put Beau up there with other American heroes like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Kevin Kisner. Then nope. The putt slidddddddddddd by and gave Poulter just a little bit of hope.

To which he went ahead and did this

Fucking HUGE balls outta Poulter. The guy sucks and can barely keep his Tour card and got into the Masters by the skin of his teeth but the dude drops clutch putts when he has to. I hate him. I hate him so much. The chest bumping made my blood boil. Such an ASSHOLE. And now he’s playing in the Masters. He claimed the last possible spot. I thought his chances were dead and buried when our guy Kisner beat him to a pulp in Austin. Nope. Poulter shot a 73 on Thursday in Houston. Dead and buried? Again, nope. He then went 64, 65, 67 and won in a gut-wrenching playoff against the 23-year-old Hossler. Not sure why good things happen to bad people but Ian Poulter winning a trip to the Masters is the definition of a good thing happening to a bad person.

There’s lots of people in my Twitter mentions being like, “This is good. Now we get to root against him at the Masters. He’s a villain. It’s good to have villains” and normally I would agree. That’s true for a guy like Bubba. He’s a villain that I like rooting against. Poulter is a villain I want gone forever. I never wanna see him on my TV again. I never wanna here his name in my presence ever again. He’s actually evil. He’s a pompous jackass who tries to get regular people fired from their jobs. He complains about his private jet being delayed. He COLLECTS FERRARIS. I hope he goes 85 85 in Augusta and misses the cut by billion. Get the fuck outta my face, Ian Poulter.