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Oh Shit! Marlins Man Called Derek Jeter A Virgin

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The hottest feud in the streets right now is between Marlins Man and Derek Jeter. It all started back in December when Jeter held a town hall meeting with Marlins season ticket holders, which was easily the most entertaining thing to happen over the offseason. The meeting was highlighted by Marlins Man giving a speech about not renewing his season tickets, while also pulling the “Do you know who I am?” card on the former Yankee captain.

Just a few days ago, we learned that the Marlins turned down $200,000 from Marlins Man to renew his season tickets over the next three years. The Marlins did, however, send a pair of counter offers, but they were not to Marlins Man’s satisfactory, thus an agreement was never reached and Marlins Man became a free agent. By the way, this story made the TV ticker on Opening Day. Only in America!

As a result of the Marlins rejecting the longtime season ticket holder’s offer, Marlins Man came out firing against Jeter and the organization.

“I have been a full season-ticket holder since the first year 25 years ago in 1993, and I don’t know anybody else who spent as much money on the Marlins for tickets as I have in the last 25 years,” Leavy said. “While they asked us to be loyal to them and faithful and patient, they are not faithful and loyal to us.”

Losing Marlins Man could be perceived as another blow to the Marlins. Since Jeter and Bruce Sherman bought the team, they have been criticized for firing a scout who just had cancer surgery and the guy who was inside the Billy the Marlin mascot costume the past 14 seasons and for an investor prospectus that focused on profitability over winning. All this was on top of losing their most marketable players.

Said Leavy: “Derek Jeter is a Hall of Fame player and a virgin and inexperienced corporate owner and baseball manager of a team. I wish them luck and success, and I hope that they have a winning team in my lifetime.”

STOP THE FIGHT!! THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY!! Don’t do ‘em like that, Marlins Man! I know you’re upset, but we’re talking about a legend in the dick-slinging game. Unless…there’s something that you know that we don’t? Thinking face emoji? Hm?

Either way, this one is far from over. You know that whatever team Marlins Man signs on with, he is going to make the Marlins franchise regret the day that they let him walk out the door to another organization. And the best part about it is that he’s so humble that he’ll just kill them with kindness, enjoying his new life behind home plate at a new ballpark with new owners who actually appreciate what this man can bring to a team. Greatness.