Hearts Across New England Shatter, As It Appears That Andrew Benintendi Is Now Wifed Up

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Throwing the challenge flag here. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. It all started when Andrew Benintendi cut his flowing locks, immediately making himself less desirable. Then, he came to spring training camp and said that he doesn’t do bicep curls anymore. After that, he doubled down and said that not only did he cut his hair, but he has no desire to ever grow it back. And now this. A girlfriend? A GIRLFRIEND?! And to top if off, my God. The fucking caption says hashtag taken. Benny. My man. What are we doing here? Seriously. What are we talking about right now?

You could’ve had it all. The keys to the city. The Derek Jeter of Boston. I mean, Derek Jeter himself left behind the blueprint for how big market studs should do it, and then you thank him by ripping it up and posting this picture. I’m not even mad; I’m just disappointed. Like, really, really, really disappointed. RIP to Benny Biceps. I guess it’s time to get used to Benny Boyfriend. Sad.