Big Cat's Guide On How To Survive A Vegas Bachelor Party In Your 30's

It’s a snow day at Barstool HQ. Not a lot going on and half the office is working from home. So I figured I’d throw together this blog because the question seems to come up a lot. Big Cat what are your Vegas tips for a Bachelor Party?

Now before I hop into it I want to make one thing clear. I’m not a Vegas expert by any means, I’ve been probably a dozen times but I don’t have any super insider tips that I can relay. I’m simply a 33 year old guy that has had a ton of different Vegas experiences. I’ve had fun, I’ve made some mistakes, and learned from all of it. If you’re reading this as a 22 year old, disregard it. You should go to Vegas and go balls to the wall and have a blast. If you’re in your late 20’s early 30’s Vegas becomes less of a shitshow and more of a “how do I survive while still having fun” experience. So these are the tips for that trip. Let’s hop in.

Also one last thing before we start. If you don’t have money you can spend without worrying, don’t go. This may sound like a dick thing to say but Vegas is not fun if you’re worrying about your money the whole weekend. If you fall under this category, save your money until you can go have a weekend where whatever you spend/lose doesn’t fuck your life up.

Travel

This is very important. This sets the tone for your entire trip. You do not want to fuck up your travel.

-Direct flights only. Do not under any circumstances book a Vegas trip with connecting flights. It may be cheaper, you may think its worth it, but it’s not. A connecting flight on the trip back from Vegas is an automatic death sentence. In fact, the Criminal system should do away with the death penalty and just make Felons fly back from Vegas on multiple connecting flights for the rest of time. That’s punishment even the most hardened criminal would not be able to handle.

-Thursday night in, Saturday night out. Again this is a tutorial for those in their late 20’s early 30’s so if you’re young don’t worry about this detail. But if you’re getting up there in Vegas age, the flight out Saturday night is a beautiful thing. 2 nights in Vegas is MORE than enough. If you’re going to Vegas for a bachelor party, everyone is going to get black out on Thursday, rebound on Friday, and by Saturday half your crew will be dead and want to go home. Do a little Saturday day partying, maybe hit the sportsbook, then hop on that 2-3 pm flight and be home in your own bed by midnight. You can also do the red eye but that one gets a little dicey. Give yourself Sunday on your couch to regain your composure before you go back to work on Monday. The loneliest place in the world is Las Vegas at 2 am Saturday night, drunk out of your mind, knowing you have to get up in 5 hours to take a flight home. Leaving the party a little early is better than leaving the party way too late.

-Booze on your flight there – Do it. There is no better feeling than walking off that plane with a nice little buzz and a pocket full of money. Don’t get loaded but have a couple cocktails on the flight to get you in the right mindset

-Water. On your flight back from Vegas you need to get on that plane with no less than 3 liters of water. Treat the flight like Russel Wilson’s concussion protocol. Get yourself an aisle seat and pound water. The minute your partying ends, your recovery begins. If you don’t attack your hangover, your hangover attacks you.

-Taxi Line – When you get off your flight from Vegas the Taxi line will look like the 7th circle of hell (I have no idea how many circles of hell there are). Don’t worry, it moves quickly. I’ve landed in Vegas in the morning, afternoon, and night, doesn’t matter what time of day there will be no less than 300 people waiting for a Taxi. It’s fine, don’t freak out, 10-15 minutes of waiting and you’ll be at the tables.

Accommodations

-Stay on the strip. Again you may think the cheaper option is more appealing but you want to be on the strip. Everything is a long walk but it beats a cab and you can have fun with it. Whenever I’m in Vegas walking the strip I’ll pick a couple random roulette wheels to throw some money down. You walk and gamble, makes walking pretty damn nice.

-Rooms – if you have a big enough group definitely get a Suite so you can all stay together. When in Vegas with a big group you’ll rarely be with your friends (more on this later). Some of the best times  are waking up in a suite with a bunch of your friends, sitting on the couches and shooting the shit. Those are the memorable moments, not being blacked out at a strip club at 3 am.

-Life Hack for booze in the room – Tell the front desk someone in your group needs to refrigerate their medications. They’ll give you a mini fridge and you can put beer and liquor in it. You can also do the good old fashioned bathtub filled with ice and beer. Nothing more thrilling than dumping a few cases into a bathtub and marveling at all that beer.

“Whoa, that’s like an endless supply of beer” -everyone

Your Crew/Going Out

-Don’t overplan. Plans never work out in Vegas. If it’s a bachelor party you’ve probably been on an email thread 200 deep the weeks leading up to the trip. All these huge plans are discussed, all these schedules made, and then you show up and they all feel like a chore. If you want to make a nice dinner reservation do it, but don’t expect everyone to show up or be on time. Don’t get your feelings hurt when you don’t see a couple of your friends all weekend, that happens every time. Catching up with your friends can be done in the morning or at the buffet. Once noon hits, all bets are off for plans.

-If its a summer month getting a cabana at a pool party is a blast. Definitely worth the money if you have a big enough group, and drinking in the sun is always an awesome time. Also for the fat guys out there, you don’t have to take your shirt off, just wear a tank top or a basketball jersey. Everyone knows what you’re doing but it beats dumping those titties out for all to see.

-Dovetailing off the point above, do not try to roll with a huge crew. There are probably 10-15 of you in Vegas. Do you know how annoying it is to get 10-15 guys to do anything at the same time? You’re going to split up into smaller groups and that’s perfectly fine. I’d rather be with 3 people and not worry about getting everyone into the bar/restaurant/blackjack table then standing around waiting for everyone to be ready, then standing around more because there aren’t enough seats at the blackjack table, then standing around even more because you can’t get everyone into the club/bar. A good rule is if you’re entire group can’t sit at a blackjack table together, you’re rolling around with too many people.

-Clubs. I’ve never been a big Club guy, just always seemed like a waste of money to me when a bar is just as much fun. But if you do go to a club reserve a table. It’s expensive but it’s way better than standing in a crowded club with nowhere to sit/put your drink down. Also don’t be afraid to decline the club appearance. Guarantee there are a few guys in your crew that are thinking the same thing “I don’t want to go to a fucking club”. Just speak up and remove yourself from that plan, you’ll have other friends to go gamble with instead of hitting the club.

-Don’t end up alone. It’s one thing to split up from the big group, but always make sure you’re with at least one other person. You’re drunk, you’re having a great time, you’re getting into weird things, make sure you have someone with you to not only share those experiences with but also make sure you don’t die or do something stupid. Pretend you’re at a swimming pool in elementary school. Use that buddy system.

-Strip Clubs – I don’t really enjoy strip clubs. If you’re young and they’re new, they can be a blast. Once you get a little older they just sort of fade away and become a little creepy. But if you do go to a strip club don’t be the idiot friend that falls in love and blows a thousand dollars in some back room getting private lap dances. She’s not going to fuck you man, trust me. That number she gave you isn’t her real number, so don’t even bother calling it.

Gambling

-If you’re not a huge gambler read up on how the different table games work. You’ll have a lot more fun if you understand WHY you’re losing all your money and not just that you’re losing all your money.

-Don’t be too proud to get up from a bad blackjack table. Maybe it’s the person next to you playing like an asshole, maybe the dealer has a bad attitude, maybe the juju is just off. There are a million reasons to get up from a table so don’t be afraid to do it. If the cards start going against you get up and take a lap. The gambling Gods are real, don’t spit in their face. When you can feel the energy turn south, get the fuck out and find a new table.

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-On the flip side if the gambling is going well, tip the dealer. Not only is it a nice move but it also makes you feel like a big swinging dick. Here have this 5 dollar chip, I have so much money I don’t know what to do with it. You’ll definitely wish you had that 10 dollars back when you lose all your money later in the weekend but that feeling of being rich and throwing tips around lasts forever.

-Tip your waiter/waitress at the table. You’re drinking for free and you want the drinks to keep coming. Tip a big amount to start and he/she will be back with another round before you finish your first.

-Dont play slots, you’re better than that.

-Pick a time at some point in the weekend to get a bunch of your friends and take over a Craps table. Being on a hot craps table with your boys is an all time rush. Also if you don’t know how to play craps don’t be afraid to ask. People who shame others for not understanding how to bet are jerks. Don’t be a jerk, help your friend out.

Look at all these BALLERS, what a fun bachelor party!

-Take out a bunch of money before you go down to gamble and then leave your wallet, credit card, and debit card in your hotel room (take your ID with you). Things can spiral pretty quickly if you start to lose in Vegas but having the buffer of having to go up to your room to get your debit card to take out more money can stop a full on tilt. It’s a physical budget for those of us that can’t keep budgets because we have no self control. I actually learned this trick when in Vegas for a wedding. My suit pants didn’t fit with my wallet in the pocket because I’m too fat, saved me a thousand dollars that night when I went on full blackjack tilt.

-Similar to the point above, if you do happen to go on a heater, take the money you’ve won and stash it away in your suitcase. Getting a buffer where you know you’ll be leaving Vegas with some money is an awesome feeling.

-Get a couch at the Sportsbook – If you’re going to spend the day gambling on sports it’s imperative you reserve a couch at the Sportsbook. Absolute game changer. You can set up shop, kick your feet up, and gamble the entire board without having to be uncomfortable. Makes the losses sting a little less.

-Hey idiot, I told you to not play slots. Get the fuck away from the machine.

-Similar to the craps table, pool some money together with your friends and make a bet on a longshot parlay. If you have 10 guys, everyone throws in 50 bucks and you get down on a 4-5 team parlay.  You don’t care about losing that money, but if you win it you all go crazy and can go have an awesome time. Group betting is fun and avoids everyone being on opposite sides of a game and silently hating each other.

Drugs

-Don’t do Drugs. Drugs are bad. HOWEVER, if you do do drugs never carry them on you, leave them in your room. Security is tight in Vegas, just ask Jarret Stoll. But again, don’t do drugs, they’re bad and that’s why I never do them.

Recovery

-Recovery is important. Don’t be a sucker and buy the hangover IV’s, they’re a racket. Instead here is my 5 step guide to hangovers

1. Make sure before you go out at night that you are fully stocked for the morning. This means that you have a full gatorade, 2 water bottles, Pedialyte and some advil on your night stand. When you get home pound one of the waters before you fall asleep. When you wake up drink the pedialyte and water and take 2-3 advils, then go back to sleep for another hour. When you wake up again drink some more water and have some of that gatorade.

2. Go to a buffet. The Buffets in Vegas are awesome as long as you’re not trying to drink immediately after. Hit the buffet hard and get a good meal in. This is also a great time to catch up with friends

3. Throw in a dip and take a shit post buffet. Heaven on Earth.

4. Spa – the Spas in Vegas are unbelievable and not a lot of people use them. The place you’re staying most definitely has a spa and a day rate anywhere from 30-70 bucks. Go from the buffet to the spa and spend the next hour or two with a heavy rotation of steam, sauna, jacuzzi, and water drinking. Shower up and you feel like a million bucks.

5. Once you leave the spa, drink a large coffee, another liter of water, and finish it off with an ice cold beer, you’re now ready to go.

Alternative tips to recovery.

-Never stop drinking. You can’t get hungover if you’re always drunk.

-Weed is legal in Vegas now. That helps a lot, but again I don’t do drugs.

Random Tips I missed

-Do not under any circumstances dress up in costumes or wear bachelor party themed shirts. You may think it’s fun/funny but trust me it’s not. You’ll just look like an asshole.

-Similar to the above point, try to pack something other than a button down shirt. It absolutely sucks to all get dressed up to go out only to realize 15 of you are wearing the same exact shirt from Banana Republic.

-The Cosmo has hand shuffle 2 deck blackjack. I’m not some math wizard card counter but when they’re 2 decks you can at least get a feel for the game and how the cards are falling.

-Secret thrill is to play War. Yes War. The game you played as a kid that even a 5 year old could understand. I always play a few hands of War at some point in the weekend. Instant rush.

-If you have a wife/girlfriend throw her a couple texts throughout the day. Let her know you’re alive and give specific details of what you’re up to so she doesn’t ask a million follow up questions. If you forget to do this then you’ll wind up on a 30 minute phone call at 10 pm when you’re drunk and want to party. Be proactive about this and you won’t get the dreaded “hello? Remember me?” text after 2 days of no communication.

-Don’t take out your phone at the tables, you’ll get yelled at and everyone will look at you like you’re an asshole. If you need to text someone, stand up and take a step away from the table, handle your business, then sit back down.

-If you’re going to the Mayweather/McGregor fight don’t get so drunk that you believe the beer vendor outside the stadium when he says “last call at 8 pm”. Your brain is stupid and you will regret the 4 drinks you’re about to pound because you actually think there’s a last call in Vegas.

-On your way out of town throw some money down on a future. Win Total, a random team to win a Championship, whatever. It’s fun to have a ticket in your pocket that someday could be money (it never wins)

-Don’t ever say “Vegas Baby, Vegas” or “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” unless doing so ironically.

-Final tip and this goes for all bachelor parties. Don’t be the guy who gets a little too out of control and then emails the group the next day with the “hey guys, no one tell their significant others what happened this past weekend”. We all know the rules, but they’re unspoken rules. Once you say them out loud you’re a dick and makes me want to tell everyone everything. Just leave it alone. Everyone knows the deal, no need to treat us like we’re children.

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Alright 3,000 words later I think I’ve hit most of everything but I’m sure I missed a few. Leave the tips I missed in the comments or on Twitter. Have fun and win some money (you won’t, no one ever does)