I Can't Quit You, Phil
Goddammit. Goddammit straight to hell. Every last bit of my brain is telling me to hate Phil Kessel. Not only is he a Pittsburgh Penguin, but he’s a two time Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguin. This son of a bitch has been racking up Cups for my cross state rival and because of this bastard I’m stuck getting “1975’d” left and right in my Twitter mentions every single fucking day from the entire Yinzer population. It’s infuriating.
Yet my heart continues, and will always continue, to tell me to love this man until the day I die. He is pure perfection. The man looks like he just rolled his ass out of your local dive bar at 5am and went straight to the titty bar for breakfast. He looks like he spent one semester at community college and now works at Best Buy while continuously getting duped into investing into ponzi schemes like those energy drinks from like 7 years ago. The man eats chicken nuggets and mac n’ cheese for dinner every night. And he somehow manages to still put up 78 points in the National Hockey League.
Phil Kessel is a national treasure and we, as a society, must do everything we can to protect this man. Even if he is a piece of shit Penguin.
P.S. – So glad NBCSN realized how much everybody hated having Mychal Kendricks on the broadcast last week and decided against bringing in some random for this week’s rivalry night. Or maybe they just did the complete opposite.