Horny Horny Hippos: Multi-City Flirtation Might Lead To Love

Timothy the hippo swiped right on our dear Fiona.

The hippopotamus from the San Antonio Zoo “posted” a public declaration of love to Fiona, the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden’s celebrity hippo.

And he laid on the charm in the Facebook post shared Thursday night.

Everybody remembers the story of Fiona the Hippo. She was a tiny little bitch that was born battling for her life. Very sad. Very cute. If you don’t remember, here’s a primer.

Now, truth be known, I’m not ready for Fiona to be sexually active. She’s still very young and should keep her cards close to the vest. Should she explore some double dates, some late-night texting, and the first young flickers of love? Absolutely.

I remember all too well my first young love. Betty Jo Carlswell. We used to run about on the playground withoutst a care in the world. We would laugh, sing, and hold hands for the entirety of recess. 25 minutes every afternoon of pure glee. We would swing on the swing sets and sing the hits like Phil Collins’ 1988 smash hit Groovy Kind Of Love. Some of those lyrics still stick with me.

When I’m feelin’ blue
All I have to do is take a look at you
Then I’m not so blue
When you’re close to me
I can feel you heart beat
I can hear you breathing in my ear

Wouldn’t you agree
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love

Anytime you want to
You can turn me on to
Anything you want to
Any time at all
When I kiss your lips
Oh, I start to shiver
Can’t control the quivering inside

Fellas, that last line is about a clitoral orgasm. Incredible.

That’s what Fiona needs (not the orgasm but a groovy kind of love). Instead, she’s got horny ole Timothy ready to dick her down. Maybe Timothy should focus on love and not looks.

Seems kinda forward, right? Boyfriend and girlfriend? What about a cup of coffee during the day? What about having something equally as arbitrary like caramels? What about letting her respond to the first pleasantries before you go all in?

As you would expect, Fiona handled this situation with great aplomb.

I’m glad that Fiona handed this matter off to her friends at the Cincinnati zoo. Despite the mishap with longtime stoolie Harambe, the Cincinnati zoo folks are good people and they are well-versed in zoonotic romance. Will Fiona and Timothy hit it off? Only time will tell.

That being said, when you nut but she keeps on suckin.