Please Don't Pick Me Up Like A Bag Of Groceries In Front Of My Friends And Family

I’m begging you. Please don’t hold me up like a prized bass and then plaster it all over the local news. There are people who care about me, how are they to continue caring about my well being after seeing me completely and utterly incapable of getting out of this predicament? They can’t, that’s how. I am not a bag of groceries for you to lift out of your trunk while avoiding small talk with your neighbor. I am not an infant in need of a changing. I am not a sack of dirty laundry, my physique may be as lumpy and disheveled as one but I can promise you that I am a real live boy with the documentation to prove it. Please leave me with my remaining shreds of dignity, just leave my lifeless carcass on the court and play around me. I don’t ask for much in this world I feel like this is more than a fair compromise.