MMBM: Was Kirk Cousins Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother A Prostitute?
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Kirk Cousins sweepstakes is offically underway where Kirk will have to choose between Minnesota, Buffalo, Arizona, New York, Denver, and at least one mystery team (conversion to mormonism). I cant be the only one whose a little supsicious of the timing of this 3 year deal, which would end at the exact same time the XFL is starting up. You have to imagine Vince McMahon is licking his chops at the notion of a player who was voted least likeley to be arrested coming into a contract year at the perfect time to generate signifcant buzz for his start-up league. Just imagine the awsome nicknames Kirk could put on the back of his Uni in the XFL: KC Masterpeace, RG4, Hubby, Mr. Cousins, you name it the possbilities are endless.
But even though hes the biggest name on this years market, Its important to wonder if teams would be more hestant to sign Kirk Cousins if they knew his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother was a prostute?- you see as a Christian he beleves that we are all the sons of god, that the Lord is truly our father. And after reading the Wikipedia page on the Da Vinci code, I have ascertaned that its more probable then not that alleged prostute Mary Magdalene could be considered to be Jesus’ wife. And as a follower of Christ it kind of call’s into queston Kirks character if we all the sudden find out that granny use to trade nickles for handies outside the temple.
Its so funny how the PC police get mad about asking a player questons like this but knowing how good a players mom is at having sex is a very revelant piece of information. Just like youd want to know if his dad was fast, you can learn alot about a player based on how much money people were willing to pay to have sex with his relatives. Its capitalism 101, and as someone whose about to become the highest paid football player in history depsite not being very good at it, he should be ok with the free market warts & all.
You see, Jesus himself- allthough injury prone, lived in a perpetual state of free agency, traveling across the middle east looking for anyone that might be in need of help and offering his services. Eventualy the act wore thin and he became expendable and his own GM traded him away for a lowball offer from the romans. The life of Christ can point us to Kirks decision-making here. Kirk models his life and deicisons on scripture, and we know Jesus hated lending money so he would of never signed with the Bills, and the Vikings are pagan, so by process of elimnation you have to look at Arizona. Jesus has been technicaly leading Cardinals for 2000 years even if sometimes they forget that and get to infatuated with young school kids that show promise as a tight end like Logan Thomas. So bringing a relative of Jesus to wander around the desert for another 3 years would be a homecoming of sorts.
Cousins shoud be more concerned with trying to beat Jesus than be like him. Hell look at Tom Brady who played through stigmata last year and only missed 2-days- setting the crossbar a little higher for the next savior:
The only bigger distraction then having a relative involved in the disgusting act of allowing me to have concevably paid them for sex is the fact that some people are questioning if Kirk is actually just a sports blogger since he lives at home, drives a used van, hate’s the Redskins, and didnt lose his virginity untill he was 23. I dont know which is a bigger red flag but I do know that contrary to popular belief the worlds oldest professon isnt being a prostute, its actually having a job thats so unsexy that you need to use one.
Road Grader Of The Week: Odell Beckham
Odell Beckham was caught on camera around a very dangerous substance- pizza. Tom Brady has never eaten a tomato in his life yet Bechkahm is recklessly caught in bed with a pie full of lycopene not to mention. Im actualy ok with my players using cocaine while under the supervision of a doctor or aspiring instagram model. The symtoms of snorting coke include feelings of invincibility, lots of energy, increased heart rate- in other words its like a synthetic oklahoma drill- but thge presence of cocane also signals to me that Odell is sick of New York &angling for a trade to the Redskins by demonstrating his interest in living in a district of columbia.
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10 Things I Know I know
1. . There are simply to many colleges in America and its ruined selection Sunday. Xavier, Loyola, Steve Austin- these arent schools anyones ever heard of so how come they get to be represented over Trump University? Wait I thought we had a tuition crisis in Amerca where no one could afford going to school but somehow it seems like everyone in the state of Ohio has there own personal college named after them. Seems like a fake crisis to me. If I had my way, Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs would receve 6 At-Large bids to dole out as he saw fit to trade schools and companys that make there employees handle feces for a living. No one wants to play man defense verse a guy who cant get the smell of rabbit poop out from under his fingernails.
Oh but wait I thought people in Amerca were too hampered by student loan debt that we coudnt go to college anymore. I guess Bernie Sanders shoud take a long look at the NCAA selection show because it seems to me that if 20,000 people are paying legal tender currency to attend Iona, the Amercan education system is doing just fine.
Also I hope Trumps meeting with Kim Jong Un dipslays a return to normalcy and by that I mean the return of the Presedental bracket. Although POTUS would just have Trump U making it all the way to the final four, a bracket show w/ Trump and Kim Jong Un would shatter ratings for sure. Please please please let this happen.
2. Tiger Woods is back, accomplishing something that most American males will never do in there entire lives and finishing second. When you take into account that Tiger might be the horiest guy in the world the feat becomes even greater. The tournment set up perfectly for Tiger to emerge from the pack, right down to the name Valspar which sounds like a medication that all of his opponets would have to take after being in contact with him to prevent breaking out themselves.
3. Richard Sherman is now a San Francisco 49er, making his return to Silcon Valley, but in the case the Apple has allready started to fall from the tree and Sherman is playing more like the Legion Of Zune. I firmly beleve that Seattle saw they had Shaq Griffin at the other corner and realized you cant have two guys playing the same positon with the same hair. It gets confusing for the officals, almost like its multiplicity where Richard cloned himself so he could get away with more defensive holding. Im told Pete Carrol just referred to Griffin as false flag Richard Sherman, and chose to send Sherman packing before he brought the team down from the inside.
4. The Cleveland Browns are doing something. Im not sure what it is but it is the opposite of what they’ve done in the past which is nothing. They got rid of a Kizer by entering into a treaty with a opponet which rarely ends well. Its a great move for Buffalo, as their coaches saw they had lightning in a bottle with Nathan Peterman. Someone with the confidents to go out there and throw a fifth interception in a half after allready throwing 4 of them is the type of gunslinger mentlaty you need to compete in this league.
Then they got Jarvis Landry who is use to catching passes from QBs who played WR in college so that tells me its a opposite fit for Lamar Jackson. Then they traded Kizer for Free Safety Demarious Randall whose skill at alienating teamates should come in handy in Gregg Williams defense where he dosen’t allow his safety to play within 50 yards of anyone. This years Browns are the remix to the normal way of doing busness in The Land:
Its the remix edition, to the team that hates winnin
Browns blowin through draft picks its another rebuildin
They cant throw or run, when was last time they won
If you believe in Cleveland baby I love you but your dumb
5. Look at this thirsty suckup capitalizing the word “sun”
Its not going to fuck you dude.\
6. The Netherlands is in trouble at the Olypmics for there athletes having a “sex room” where they would go and do intercourse with other athletes instead of practicing or giving salacious interviews to the press. Its a bad look for the historicaly modest nation to get caught having sex without paying for it. I call these guys Sexter Holland because there creating some Offspring
7. Canada is back
8. Richard Sherman and his fiancee met with Kyle Shanahan and his wife for a 4 hour dinner in San Francisco to go over a offer that eveutaly brought Sherman to the 49ers. This is what non-football people dont understand the concept of the 4-hour dinner. You have to get your moneys worth out of the buffet and sometimes that means getting full, then hungry, then full again. Plys if you eat for 4 hours you know that he’s going to be to full to go eat with another team for at least 12 hours after that its called buying time. Its like if your going on a bachelor party to Las Vegas and your girlfriend realy pulls out all the stops in the bedroom so she knows your going to behave yourself for at least the first night there.
Sherman represented himself in the negotations and had them change a part of the contract that would of potentally cost him some money if the 9ers made the superbowl which is like Gronk preemptively opening up a Delaware corporaton as a tax shelter for any money he wins on Jeopardy.
9. Kirk Cousins is shooting for a 3-year fully gaurenteed contract which would allow him to hit the open market for another contract in another three years. Theres a possbility that Kirk Cousins could end up making $250 million dollar’s during his entire NFL career which is ironic because he coudnt fit a football through the eye of a needle much less ride a camell through one. Speaking of things that are only gaurenteed to last three years, RG3 got married again over the weekend to probably a Russian spy Greta Seidenko. Her sister Grit Seidenko is a olympic athlete and was in the wedding which kind of described RG3s time with the Redskins in a nutshell- -allways being in the presence of Grit but never getting too close to it himself.
10. Derrius Guice was asked if he liekd men and also if his mom was a prostute at the NFL combine last week in Indianpolis and the PC Police are out in full force when instead they should be focusing on the fact that Derrius Guice violated these teams right to privacy by telling everyone about all the questons he got asked. It was simply a test and he failed it. If you want to know about the character of the guy your drafting its good policy to break all the laws you can think of during your intervew with him and just see who he tells about it. You dont want a snitch on your team.
Plus Free Agency is basicaly legalized prostitution that has given birth to way too many diva atheteles- therefore its completely in bounds to ask a player about his mom being a hooker.
11. Josh Rosen needs to decide if hes more concern about playing football or feeling basic human emotions. While no teams have taken his name off there big board entirely, I’m told at least two GMs have put three parentheses around it to keep a eye on.
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12. Will Hernandez of UTEP said the first thing he’s spending money on is a toilet where you dont have to wipe your own butt, so breaking news- Will Hernandez is going to try and buy the ocean.
13. The Rams now offically have the weirdest seondary in the NFL with Aqib Talib and Marcus Peters anchoring there corners. Talib is a guy who has literaly shot his own foot before, which speaks to his selfishness in that the only person he would take a bullet for is himself. Meanwhile Marcus Peters biggest strength is being cousins with enough opposing NFL players that they will get kicked out of games for trying to protect him. Toss in the fact that their coached by Wade Phillips whose Dad Bum Phillips name literaly translated to “butfunneling screwdrivers”, and you have the potental for the most explosive backfield in league history.