An Ode To Wild Berry Pop-Tarts
So I don’t think that I’d necessarily consider myself a “Foodie”. Do I enjoy treating myself to some exquisite cuisine from time to time? Absolutely. Just last night for dinner I made myself a couple of tortilla wraps with a combination of buffalo sauce and barbecue sauce. Nothing else. Just sauce on a tortilla. It was to die for. I know that some people like to refer to that combination as “barbecuffalo”. But I like to call it Virginia Tech sauce since the combination resembles their colors. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m somebody who enjoys their finer things in life but I don’t go out of my way to be a pretentious prick about it either.
With that being said, as somebody who at least borders on being a “Foodie”, I think it is about time we gave a shoutout to the greatest breakfast food the world has ever invented. Which, of course, would be Wild! Berry Pop-Tarts.
Over the years there have been thousands of different flavor Pop-Tarts. You have your staples like Brown Sugar & Cinnamon and Frosted Strawberry. You have your ones that were an after-school snack provided straight from the kitchen of heaven like S’mores. Then you have your countless other flavors that were good but nothing worth writing home about. One that truly stood out amongst the rest, however, and will be forever regarded as the GOAT is Wild Berry.
For starters, just the presentation of these bad boys was masterful. They may have just been some toaster pastries at their core, but Wild Berry Pop-Tarts belong in the Museum of Modern Art. The purple base. The teal drizzles. You rip that sucker open and you have that ruby red inside. Just the sight of them alone is essentially a time machine that warps you straight back to the 90s. If I were to put together a Mount Rushmore of 90s designs, it would be Wild Berry Pop-Tarts, the original Mighty Ducks logo, the old Spurs logo and these paper cups.
Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets just miss the cut but they’re on the bubble for sure.
And we haven’t even gotten to the taste yet. In the history of food, I don’t think there’s ever been anything that is as versatile as Wild Berry Pop-Tarts. It’s a breakfast food. It’s a lunch food. It’s a dinner food. It’s a desert. It can be had at literally any hour of any day ever and hit the spot. Want it straight out of the package? Boom, good to go. Want to throw it in the toaster just to give it a little extra crisp and get that gooey goodness flowing? Even better. As you wipe the last few remaining crumbs from your lap, you realize how incredibly fortunate you are to be living in a world where Wild Berry Pop-Tarts exist. Think about that for a moment. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, horny ass Ben Franklin. These were all great men. Men who have done miles and miles more with their lives than I ever will. And none of them ever got to even taste a Wild Berry Pop-Tart. That just doesn’t seem fair to me. But we were blessed with this gift from god and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
h/t Eytan for getting my mind on the WBPT this morning.