NY Times- It’s a new year and I’ve got a new gym membership. I went the other morning. It was 8 degrees outside. And every woman in there was wearing skintight, Saran-wrap-thin yoga pants. Many were dressed in the latest fashion — leggings with patterns of translucent mesh cut out of them, like sporty doilies. “Finally,” these women must have thought, “pants that properly ventilate my outer calves without letting a single molecule of air reach anywhere else below my belly button.”
I got on the elliptical. A few women gave me funny looks. Maybe they felt sorry for me, or maybe they were concerned that my loose pants were going to get tangled in the machine’s gears. Men didn’t look at me at all.
It’s not good manners for women to tell other women how to dress; that’s the job of male fashion photographers. Women who criticize other women for dressing hot are seen as criticizing women themselves — a sad conflation if you think about it, rooted in the idea that who we are is how we look.
But yoga pants make it worse.
When yoga pants are the first thing grown women put on every morning, we can’t help absorbing the message that staying fit is our No. 1 purpose in life.
Women can, of course, be fit and liberated. We may be able to conquer the world wearing spandex. But wouldn’t it be easier to do so in pants that don’t threaten to show every dimple and roll in every woman over 30?
So step into some slouchy pants with me. We don’t have to look quite so good when we’re just trying to look a little better.
Out of fear, I’ll let the women do most of the heavy lifting on this debate. But I, for one, stand with the NY Times’ Honor Jones. I’m sick and tired of going to the gym–to sculpt my traps to the point that I constantly look like I’m shrugging my shoulders in surprise–only to lose focus because a horde of beautiful women in yoga pants are expecting me to flirt. Some days, I just want to get a good pump in. But it seems to happen less and less now thanks to yoga pants. What choice do I have? I’m not going to ignore them and let them go home disappointed; I’m a gentleman, after all. And based on this incredibly articulate op-ed by Honor Jones, it’s clear that women are wearing yoga pants for the sole purpose of looking sexy. In other words, “please talk to us.”
But not everyone agrees with us:
Hey Kimmie, you know what else helps you maneuver?
Burkas! PLENTY of mobility under one of those puppies. As you can see, many burkas take a page from yoga pants and provide venting around the mouth area. We all know that breathing is the cornerstone of yoga, and I can’t recall ever seeing a pair of yoga pants with a mouth hole. And to the point that yoga pants provide the best view on whether you’re doing the position properly? Please. A burka allows you the privacy to screw up, check your position, and fix it without anyone knowing. It’s total privacy under that car tarp. Hell, you can take a dump on the floor, roll it up in your mat, and dispose of that shit burrito without a soul knowing. Seems like this is the perfect middle-ground solution. Thanks for the tip, conservative Islam!
Honor Jones says we should bring back sweatpants. I put on an old pair of Harvard lacrosse sweatpants the other day and immediately felt like a younger man. Thanks to their bagginess, you could no longer see the outline of my flaccid penis–a problem exacerbated by yoga pants. I hate emerging from a downward dog knowing that all the women in my class are hungrily scanning the contours and veins of my johnson because Lululemon wanted my shaft to “breathe.” Sure, it’s good to ventilate my package (I have an odor problem) but that’s why I bought one of those industrial-strength fans that you use to dry out putting greens after a heavy rain.
So ladies, let’s do it. Let’s burn our yoga pants, once and for all. I say we choose a day of liberation. How about March 4th? We’ll march fourth in baggy pants and burkas to a new day comfort and liberation. Namaste!
PS- yesterday, I would have included a gallery of women in yoga pants. But it’s a new day!! Feast your eyes, fellas.