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USA Figure Skater Adam Rippon Tells America He Needed “A Xanax and a Quick Drink” After His Bronze Medal Routine Last Night

Listen close? Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Adam Rippon’s career skyrocketing to the motherfuckin moon! Your boy not only was the first openly gay winter Olympian in American history…your boy not only brought home a medal for his country with those skates…your boy not only spends his remaining free time roasting people on Twitter and talking shit on the internet…but he’s also just like every one of us. Relatable as fuck. When you have a stressful day at the office and life is too overwhelming, you just want a Xanax and a stiff drink to help activate said Xanax. The main problem with cheering for Olympic athletes is that they’re too weird. You know? They are weird people that have dedicated their ENTIRE lives to bizarre sports. Half of them were probably forced by coaches and parents their whole lives. Half of them compete in strange games that normal people have never attempted. They just seem like socially awkward robots.

But that’s why Adam Rippon is gonna be a superstar because he’s not like that. Hes relatable. He’s out there doing his job and chasing away the stress with drugs and booze, just like the rest of us. He just happens to be sassy AF while doing it. He’ll be on all the talk shows when he comes home. He’ll sit down with Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper. I mean, fuck, Bravo has probably already greenlit a TV show for him. It will be called “Go Figure” or something and it will just follow around this saucy Olympic figure skater and watch him hook up with dudes and talk shit. America will eat this UP.

All aboard the Rippon train! If there’s one way to get to the hearts of Americans it’s to win in Sports and do drugs. Those are two things we fucking LOVE. God Bless Adam Rippon and God Bless America.

PS – Yea, I suppose Mike Pence and the rest of Americans who don’t like gay people won’t care for Adam Rippon, but fuck those people anyway. The normal people in this country are all in on the Rippon Bandwagon