Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
I offically have Olympic fever or possibly just a real fever I’m not totally sure, although I will admit that blogging with a fever is absoluteley a performence enhancer for takes. Why go back to school when I can just get a few more degrees by not washing my hands and hanging out in 24-hour clinic waiting rooms. Germs are natures LSD, and Im not sure if its the illness or the patriotism, but watching the winter games is giving me the chills.
The Winter Games are my favorite because there all just events that people make up to prevent them from going insane because they live in a country with a shitty climate. Also literaly speaking they are the most downhill events in sports. Theres a reason every NFL fullbacks name ends in “ski”. But the best part of the games is how the whole entire world comes together as one, in harmony and under the beatifull unification of sport, to agree that Kim Jong Uns sister is a total dimepiece. Kim Yo-jong might be the most attractive seriel killer in the history of the olympics, and that is outstanding branding and smart strategy on North Koreas part to put her front in center. I had no reason to not want to blow up the entire Korean penesula, sentencing millions to death in a nucular holcaust until I realized that one of them was hot. Its even possble that this sentiment has effected our foreign policy allready, as VP Mike Pence refused to stand up and acknowledge Jim Yo-jung probably because he was embarrassed of his big boner.
At the same time it speaks to a larger issue at play here: Its very problematic that were refering to her as “Kim Jong Uns sister” when shes accomplished so much on her own. In her short time on earth that she has managed to be one of the only Kim famly members to have not executed by her brother, she has also been complicit in the deaths of over 10 million people as well as the unjust incarceration of millions more while running the terrorists regimes department of propoganda- and she still finds time to look this stunning. A total badass.
I can see a scene unfolding like in that 13 Days movie were we all suck off the Kennedy adminstration for not launching hydrogen missiles at Moscow because they were cucks, with our finger being on the button untill a sweaty young radar operator sprints into the door saying “sir sir, dont fire the missiles yet- Ive just learned his sister is a 8.5.” And we’d have no choice but to call the strike off because who knows maybe one day she’ll date us.
Theres a old economics theory I like to talk about, its how no two nations with McDonalds have ever started a war verse each other, demonstrating the greater forces of capitalism that prevents bad things from happening ever. You could also put forth a theory were no two countrys have ever had a war when each others sisters were hot, mostly because the British have always had plenty of sisters to choose from right in there own bedroom.
On the other hand, I can see that if Hitler had had a hot sister at the olympics, Jesse Owens would of definitely slept with her, immasculating the etnire Nazi regime, and succinctly ending WW2 before it ever began. You cant claim that white Germans are the superrace when a black man from the USA is engaging in a case study of evolutionary sexual selection with your sisters ovaries. In other words Mike Pence and his raw sexual energy could stop WW3 if he were aloud to be alone in a room with her.
On to the awards
Road Grader Of The Week: Derek Waters Of Drunk History
I am announcing a campaign to try and get onto Drunk History with Derek Waters since those two words are basicaly what would be on my gravestone or Tinder profile, so I am shamelessley awarding him my Road Grader of the Week award in advance as a one-time deal. I was inspried by Katie Nolans abilty to be a long-haired once-canceled sports personalty who was able to make that next step back onto cable TV and frankly I think it would be a good fit. My topic would be drug use during the 1930s and 40s in Nazi germany and how there use directly correlated to the rise and fall of Hitler as well as possbly the 2012-15 Seattle Seahawks. In order to prove my merit I have deicded to go ahead and rewrite a good portion of this column shoehorning in even more refrences to Nazi Germany then even before. It would be a real shame if you were contact @DerekWaterss and let him know he should get me blitzed off Mad Dog 2020 and listen to me dicsuss Hitler for a uncomfortably long amount of time. A real shame.
1. It’s great that Patriots fans have essentially started Project Veritas but for sports and are now tricking regional sports media personaltys into running vaguely inflammaroty articles about their favorite players. Tricking journlists into running uncorroborated storys goes back to the early 1900s when Upton Sinclair wrote a entire book after getting a anonymous tip from a cow, and has continued through the early 2000s when journlists became too distracted by their Schnippers lunch orders delayed arrival to bother to google what aluminum tubes were. Maybe if Schnippers had Uranium cake on there desert menu, Podheratz would of done a little more homework on there delivery times.
2. After taking his entire team to meet the Pope and presenting him with Air Jordans last year, Jim Harbaugh is taking his team to France this summer. Chances are Harbaugh literaly spends the entire week at the beach in Normandy just staring out over the water wistfully and with determination, not even stoppiong to urnate or eat. Universty of Michigan football could learn alot from that beach since Utah was a tougher opener then they had all thought.
3. The Russian olympic atheletes should be expecting a cease and desist letter from the French for competing underneath a white flag.
4. The Indinapolis Colts have finally hired a head coach again, and taking the team in a directon thats less like New England and more like New Germany by ushering in a Reich. From the franchsie that brought you Arians, no less. Reich just turned Big Dick Nick into a world champion, so we’re all intrested to see what he can do with Big IQ Drew in the AFC South. Even though he faces a murderers row of Blake Bortles twice a year I like this hire alot. Chris Ballard said “just because your the first choice dosent mean your the best choice” which rings true of the Big Mac meal being a number 1 at McDonalds while the double QPC with cheese just sits there at number 2 looking for a forever home.
5. Todays Pardon My Take features Johnny Football in a candid intervew about how bad he fucked up basicaly everything and how he wants to play professonal football for any team besdies the Browns which is like saying I’d like to live on the west coast as long as its not Flordia, or Id like to drive a car that dosent rely on a team of dogs to drag me across alaska. I personaly would love to see how Johnathan Senior Manziel would fare up in Canada just for the I fucking love cocaine memes.
6. Jimmy Garropolo just got paid a nice 140 million dollar contract and I kind of feel bad for the guy given all the fake freinds he’s about to get. Its ironic he plays for the 49ers because your going to see a rush of gold-digger girls who wouldn’t of ever been attracted to him before who are now trying to get with him just because hes rich. Its sad really. I also think 140 million is alot of money to commit to a QB who isnt even married. How much of that money is going to go towrads women who arent even real fans. Jimmy G is going to be one big trickle down economics for the city of San Francisco redistributing his salary via paying for meals and movie tickets to alot of women who defnitely wont reinvest as much money back into the franchise as a wife would. Only 5% of Superbowl winning QBs have been single thats a fact, and alot of them have loved being married so much they did it multple times.
7. There was a bit of a bruhaha online last night as two of the leading thought-leaders in online discourse in new’s had a bit of a standoff:
So offically Jake Tapper is the Robin to my Batman of hating Hitler, which truth be told is not a bad place to be. In fact I woud say that Historically Russia is the Batman of hating Hitler and USA is the Robin. And now the fact that Jake Tapper follows me on twitter technicaly means hes colluding with the Russians. Just something to think about.
8. If Ruben Foster, whose name is a well balanced meal, wants to take a bite out of crime maybe he should take a look in the mirror. The 2nd year player from SF was arrested for domestic abuse and possesson of a assault rifle and cemented himself as frontrunner for the Aldon Smith man of the year award. As allways with these types of arrests the most important part is that we all agree to scower the police reports for more information about the weapon so that we can dispell the notion that its a “assault rifle”. It only becomes a assault rifle after you use it to commit assault its like a colostomy bag is just a empty franzia bladder until you crap into it.
9. Leveon Bell is not happy with the Steelers contract offer how do I know? He changed his instantgram handle away from “SteelerRB” to “LeveonBell”, indicating he values his own money more then the money of the Rooney family which is absolutely disgusting. If he really wanted to get paid he should of changed it to SteelerQB so if they franchised him he could use that in court to get a better deal. Its like how the Saints lowballed Jimmy Graham for having Saints TE in his twitter bio instead of Saints WR, but the way Leveon spends his free time I call him Jimmy Ounce.
10. “President” Obama had his portrait unveiled at the Natonal Gallery of Art this morning and his literaly a wallflower sitting on sidelines (not pictured: Bengazi happening just offscreen).
Folks our leaders shouldnt have portraits they shoudl have rich-traits. I dont want my leaders pictured sitting in the desktop of a computer running windows 95 I want them looking state of the art. We didnt have a revoluton to have our leaders be slumming it in plants. Im not a botanist contrary to popular belief but I’m pretty sure a few of those are marjuana plants. I dont want my leaders abusing drugs which is why we now have a Presdent whose so anti-drug that his own doctor looks like hes been barred from writing any perscriptions at all.
11. Lots of chatter about Fridays intervew with Lane Johnson when he said the Pats are a fear based orgnization- you know what else is a fear-based orgnization? The food chain.My fear of starving is what inspries me to strap on my sweatpants and crank out these blogs on Monday Mornings. FDR said that fear was in itself a fear-based orgnization are you calling him a liar, because say what you want about new-deal socalism but FDR had the lowest pad level of any world leader in recorded history except perhaps Rand Paul. Its worth noting that Johnson said he would rather win one championship and act like a human than win 5 and be a cliche-spouting robot- so in other words breaking news: Lane Johnson guarentees that the Eagles wont repeat as back-to-back champs.