Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premieres Monday (12/4) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 1-3 NOW

My College Writing Partner, Michael Carter Williams, Is On The Verge of the Worst Statistical Basketball Season of All Time

Screen Shot 2018-02-11 at 9.34.24 PM

From the r/NBA

MCW’s 2017-2018 NBA season is among the worst single-season campaigns in history. Let’s look at his stats:

43 G, .314 FG%, .261% 3P%, .333 2p%, .413 TS%

The lowest single-season FG% belongs to Woody Sauldsberry who shot 29.9% from the floor in 1960. No qualified player has shot below 31% from the field in a single season since then (min. 300 FGA). MCW has 175 FGA on the year so far; he needs to take 125 more shots to qualify. The Hornets have 27 game left in the season which means MCW needs slightly less than 5 FGA/per game. Of those 125 shots, he would need to miss around 90 of them, or shoot 27.5% from the field, to break the single-season mark for shooting futility.

TL;DR MCW should not be playing professional basketball

Tough times for the former Syracuse point guard and my fellow classmate. If he manages to keep up his pace he’ll likely secure the worst statistical shooting percentage in NBA History. Not great! Yes, myself and MCW went to the same school at the same time and majored at the same thing (Communications and Rhetorical Studies) at Syracuse University back in 2013. Contrary to popular belief I did not go to front-running college basketball team schools like Duke, North Carolina, or Kentucky. During my sophomore year I enrolled in a bullshit writing class which rate my professor told me was an easy B. The teacher was a crazy man who lectured on and on about absolutely nothing. I don’t think I learned one thing to take on in my life, but I guess that’s basically what college classes are.

Anyways, one day early in the semester I noticed a tall 6 foot 6 lanky man sit in front of me in class. He was Syracuse’s starting point guard Michael Carter Williams and I was a bit star struck. This man was leading the undefeated Orange at the time as we ran train on the ACC. Following a Final Four run my Freshman year, MCW took over the point guard role and led us to a 26-0 start and a #1 ranking in the country. He was a superstar on campus and here is this stud sitting right in front of me like an average joe. I didn’t think these guys went to class and just had guys like me do all their work (instead they showed up and just had us do it there in their presence).

We had to partner up one day and Mike turned to me and asked if we could be partners. I totally played it cool saying “yeah sure why not?” while inside my heart was beating 400 miles an minute while my palms dripped puddles of sweat to the floor. We read some dialogue from Seinfeld and I had to pretend to be a woman, but it’s fine we were boys. This continued for the rest of the semester. I’d drop a few “how’s the ankle doing” as he recovered from a minor injury mid-season just to show I cared about my friend. We were the best of pals for those 60 minutes every Tuesday and Thursday let me tell ya. On campus we’d occasionally cross paths and I’d give him a nod as he gazed over my short body to say hi to a pretty lady.

I began to date this girl that semester and she later told me a little interaction she had with Carter Williams. She was besties with his girlfriend freshman year and accidentally walked in on them doing the dirty deed. The legend tells that he felt so bad he bought her Subway as a way of saying I’m sorry. Looking back, if someone ever bought me Subway I’d probably take offense to it rather than be grateful.

Shockingly Michael’s NBA career has diminished to the point where he’s about to post the worst statistical season in NBA history. It’s honestly not the biggest surprise from how he played in college. Yes, he put up 11.9 points, 7.3 assists, and 5 boards a game his sophomore year but anything outside of 10 feet was a prayer needing to go in.

He may have been the best point guard for the 2-3 zone with his length, but man oh man could this guy miss a wide open jump shot. He’s at the brink of shooting 29% on the year. That’s impossible for a guard. IMPOSSIBLE. But here we are. I really know how to attract the super star athletes to let me do their work for them in college. I should’ve gave him some pointers…