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Masturbation Kills 100 Germans Each Year

Daily MailMasturbation kills up to 100 Germans a year, according to a study which has also uncovered the bizarre ways people have died pleasuring themselves.

One man – wearing pantyhose, a raincoat and a diving suit as well as a plastic bag over his head – died in Hamburg after sitting next to a heater and trying to melt slices of cheese on his body.

Another man in Halle was found dead with Christmas tree lights clamped to his nipples having apparently tried to stimulate himself by electrocution. …

The Legal Medicine in Hamburg alone recorded 40 accidental autoerotic deaths between 1983 and 2003 with all victims aged between 13 and 79, The Local reports.

Victims are usually men, [Forensic examiner Harald ] Voß said, since women were ‘more cautious and don’t incorporate so many intricacies’.

He said the risks involved in autoerotic activity were underestimated, adding: ‘Losing consciousness can happen quicker than people think.’

I’m posting this not because I think it’s funny in any way, but as a sort of public service announcement. Every death is a tragedy. Whether it’s by natural causes, car accident or electrocution by Christmas tree lights on your nipples while jerking off.

If you pulled every Barstool employee aside separately and asked “What is your company’s number one priority?” I feel everyone of us would say “To save lives.” It’s our mission. What drives us to do what we do. We are all about safety, whether that’s on the roads, in the workplace, or during acts of elaborate autoerotic asphyxiation. We’re not prudes. This isn’t Puritan times. No one is telling you not to enjoy the pleasures of self-love while cutting off your air supply. We just want you to exercise caution. Because we care.

So please, take this warning. Be like those German women who are more cautious and don’t incorporate so many intricacies. And if you must, have a plan in place in case things go wrong because we at Barstool care about you and your sexual self-gratification. And if the life of just one man jacking it in pantyhose, a raincoat, a diving suit with a plastic bag over his head melting cheese slices on his body with a heater is saved – just one – it’ll have been worth it.