Inmate Escapes, Grabs A Bag Full Of Home-Cooked Sausages And Booze, And Tries To Sneak Back In To Prison

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NY Post- An inmate escaped from a federal prison in Texas in an effort to bring back a stash of goods that included booze, tobacco and a large amount of home-cooked food, authorities said.

After setting up a surveillance operation at about 5:45 p.m., police watched a vehicle drive onto a neighboring property before leaving behind a large duffle bag.

About two hours later, an inmate — later identified as Hansen — was spotted sprinting from the prison and grabbing the bag. He was collared as he ran back towards the prison.

Inside the bag was a veritable trove of goodies, including three bottles of brandy, a bottle of whiskey, dozens of packages of tobacco, packaged snacks, fruit and a large amount of home-cooked food, including sausages, chicken, rice and vegetables, according to photographs released by sheriff officials.

When I was in college, I would sometimes run home to Maine for the weekend. It was 2 hours away, and I’d take the bus up to get a weekend of home-cooked meals, sleep in clean sheets, pet the doggies, and do a bunch of laundry. It was the most restorative escape from the madness of college. And when you compare the madness of a Harvard weekend to the madness of prison, I’m sure it’s way more tame. Writing papers on the Israel lobby’s influence on Washington is a breeze compared to sewing your cheeks closed to avoid shower rape.

As such, I completely understand why this dude wanted a little taste of home. Hell, he was coming back! He understood the rules, but momma’s chicken, rice, and vegetables were too irresistible. He’s stocking up on booze for the super bowl party, and the contraband food is probably a lot healthier than the shit they make in the prison. I bet this guy has a great body thanks to the fitness regimen he’s adopted to help pass the endless, endless hours of down time.

Last thing–the traditional method for sneaking stuff into prison is through the anal cavity. Stuffing a bunch of sausages up there is a surefire way to become the prison’s most desired bitch boy. “Did you hear about Joe in cell block E? Dude can fit 6 sausages up his ass. Let’s find him.” Poor guy was literally saving his ass by sneaking out in the middle of the night to grab the duffel. I say we let him keep the food.