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NYTs Publishes the Worst Patriots/Trump Article Ever Written

Celebs Ringside at Floyd Mayweather vs Arturo Gatti - WBC Lightweight Title Fight - June 25, 2005

There are two things in contemporary life that seem to bring out the worst writing the English language has ever been subjected to. One is politics. The other is the New England Patriots. And if you’re a fan of terrible writing like I am and you’re lucky enough, someone will mash the two of them together in a toxic combo of awfulness. Like White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles put into written words.

Introducing Frank Bruni of the New York Times, who just published a masterwork of terrible political commentary mixed with a crippling case of Patriots Derangement Syndrome. It’s titled “The Existential Hell of This Year’s Super Bowl,” which serves as a dead giveaway to the excruciating badness within:

We purveyors of commentary tend to find multitudes in the teeniest speck and mirrors of the zeitgeist wherever we turn. I grant you that. But grant me this: America really is about to get the pathetic Super Bowl that it deserves. …

The Patriots perfectly embody our income-inequality era and the tax reform that President Trump recently signed. Their good fortune begets more good fortune. They shamelessly hoard glory. And there’s frequently a whiff of cheating in their success. …

These titans stick together in the way that many titans do, not because they share some special affection or particular philosophy but because each sees in the others’ stature an affirmation of his own. They’re a cluster strut. …

Football, like Trumpism, likes to believe that it’s about working-class folks in the heartland. But this year’s Super Bowl, like the Trump administration, bows to the Acela corridor. It nearly brought together two teams from underexposed cities, Jacksonville and Minneapolis. Instead it brings together two teams from celebrated theaters of history in the Northeast. So much for the little guy.

Holy moly. That was just a sample. The free slice the deli guy gives you of this particular shit sandwich. It goes on like that for paragraphs.

I say again I have no great love for Trump. But Brady, Belichick and Mr. Kraft were friends with the guy long before he ran for office. During the decades he spent in the public eye being friends with every celebrity from David Letterman to Dennis Rodman and everyone in between. Before he became the pussy-grabbing Monster-in-Chief that has people like hiding in their crawlspaces. That they’ve remained friendly with a guy who’s been really good to them personally – who consoled Mr. Kraft constantly after the death of his wife – might be a crime to the easily triggered. But to people like me who realized a long time ago that all politics is grandstanding bullshit, it just sound like loyalty.

But even if you hate Trump – and tooling on POTUS is what separates us from the dictatorships, so by all means go nuts – trying to connect the dots between the way the Patriots do business to what you hate about him is just lazy, misinformed snark pretending to be creative analysis. “The Patriots perfectly embody our income-inequality era”? “Their good fortune begets more good fortune”? Has this clown who claims to like football never heard of the salary cap? Free agency? Injuries? Brady’s suspension? The draft picks that were taken away?

The Patriots as an organization aren’t some lucky-sperm trust fund babies living off their robber baron great-grandfather’s fortune. The owner, the coach, the quarterback, the very franchise itself came from nothing. They were the worst organization in all of pro sports with the worst stadium situation ever and constantly in threat of folding up or leaving town for almost 35 years. (Read more about it here.) These three made them into a world power with vision, hard work and creating a culture based on coming together for the greater good. Of putting team success ahead of personal success. With a roster built around a strong “middle class” of depth guys instead of a few high priced superstars. “So much for the little guy”? They are and always have been “the little guy.” From Troy Brown to Mike Vrabel, Adam Vinatieri to Julian Edelman, Malcolm Butler to Brady himself. This dynasty is built on low draft picks, other teams’ backups and castoffs nobody wanted. The tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Men who helped create special and, in doing so, became special themselves.

Again, I don’t care what anyone’s politics are. But if you think the Patriots aren’t what’s right with America, I have no sympathy for you or your terrible editorials. And I shudder to think of how many more of these horrible word salads we’re going to be subjected to between now and next Sunday.

 @jerrythornton1