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Every Donation To My Venmo From Now Til The Super Bowl Will Go To Kids In Philly & Boston

Last night I saw Chris Long taking the NFL and Roger Goodell to task. The NFL started selling dog shirts, and wanted Long’s attention.

Long then called them out and said that Roger Goodell and the NFL should donate the money to charity, just like the Eagles were.

He then tasked Lane Johnson, his fellow dog, of being his enforcer, unifying the lines to give back to the kids. “That’s freaking awesome,” I thought to myself. “I wish I was in a position to give back.” So I reached out to Dave.

We all know how that story went. Dave doesn’t care about the kids and he’s unabashed to say so. What’s more concerning is the parallels to the NFL and Roger Goodell. Roger Goodell sees a dog insignia that the Eagles players are using for a charitable cause and he appropriate it for tee shirt sales. Dave sees a dog insignia that the Eagles players are using for a charitable cause and he appropriates it for tee shirt sales. Therefore Dave=Roger Goodell. It’s the transitive property, simple math.

Dave=Roger Goodell.

The man who Dave hated so much, over all these years? Dave has now become that man, and I have a mathematic proof above that fully illustrates that.

What’s shocking is that Dave has lashed out to these extents at the mere suggestion that he give to charity. To charity! To the kids no less!

Fortunately for me, Dave’s ability to be philanthropic does not affect my ability to do so. So, in addition to donating to Philly School Children, I will also give to deaf children in Boston. That’s right. 10% of everything I donate will go to the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Boston. I will raise the children of Philadelphia, and if Dave won’t, I’ll raise the children of Boston too.

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Even further, this offer still stands. I will do the Electric Chair with Dave during the Super Bowl. The only way that content works is if it’s the biggest fans from both sides, and Dave, allegedly, is the biggest Pats guy around. I don’t care where I watch the game. I care about the Eagles and the children. I don’t know about the Electric Chair being better content than I would get in Minnesota, but if Dave wants to do the Electric Chair with me, I am down.

The wheels are already in motion. Kind-hearted people like Big Cat are coming out of the woodwork to help.

So won’t you donate too?