Nintendo Unveiled The Nintendo Labo, Which Are Cardboard Accessories You Build For Your Switch



Well there it is. The official moment that video gaming officially passed me by. I’ve admittedly been slipping for years, but I chalked most of that up to getting older and having kids. I fought off father time by leading the then 74 overall Jacksonville Jaguars to an undefeated (shortened) season in the Barstool Madden League and by bayonetting Nazis by the dozen while playing Call of Duty.

But the minute that Nintendo actually took the phrase “Kids just want to play with the box the game comes in” literally, I was toast. I know all this stuff is for kids. But here’s a newsflash. Kids are the backbone of the video game industry, not old assholes like me. You get them hooked at a young age and they eat out of your palm for the rest of their lives. Why do you think Dave panders to the #GoPresGo crowd? His minions will inherit the Earth when they become old enough to get their drivers licenses. And once these cardboard accessories take off, it’s curtains for regular controllers and relics like the Powerpad and Wii Wheel.

Don’t get me wrong though, that looks like it could be fun as hell if you actually have the patience to build all that stuff. I already know I am going to have a problem with the Labo. For one, every piece of Ikea furniture I’ve ever built is forever in a state of unbalance no matter how many times I twisted that stupid Allen’s wrench. I avoided Legos like the plague as a kid and I avoid the DIY channel as an adult because I am the least handy person on the planet. Being a rather large man, I also know I will inevitably sit on one of these cardboards creations and flatten it like a pancake. And oh yeah, it’s SEVENTY DOLLARS. 7-0. 70 bones or clams or whatever you call them. You want to charge me $70 for a piece of plastic that cost 10 cents to make, that’s fine. I have been brainwashed after years of consumerism that is the going rate. But my old ass is going to have a tough time spending $70 on a couple of pieces of cardboard so I can turn myself into a robot after an hour or so of setup.

“Hello, ladies…”

That being said, if Nintendo wants to send one of these to HQ for Gametime just so Smitty and I can broadcast ourselves on Twitch trying to build these sets like Zoolander and Hansel looking for the files in the computer, I’m down.