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This Italian Model And TV Host Deserves A Shot At The American Dream

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Dear Fiammetta Cicogna,

I did not know who you were before today, but you deserve to escape the drudges of Italy and voyage to the states for a shot at the big time. I wish to cordially invite you to stay rent free in basement for an indefinite period of time. The room is windowless for your own protection from the Paparazzi and you will also be sheltered with the peace of mind that nobody will be able to break in through the bank vault door I plan to install. You will be fed at least a meal a day while most of the time hand cuffed in the exact same position as the 4th photo, as it seems like where you are most natural. Various methods of entertainment will be provided such as: Cable TV, Internet, fort building, face sitting, Chloroform testing and baby making, but if the last one freaks you out it can just as easily be substituted with egg scrambling.

I am at your command, please let me know ASAP before Raquel Pomplun comes to her senses and finally starts responding to my Tweets.

Also, please bring your friends. They deserve to have a safe, secure place to stay out of the dangers of society and sunlight for years as well.

Your American Destiny,

Smitty