This Chart Of Pornhub's Website Traffic In Hawaii After The Fake Missile Alert Was Sent Out Is Fascinating


I’ll admit that I love these Pornhub charts. Throw a little bit of current events to make me feel in the know with some easy math to make me feel smart, and you have my click. Usually it’s some lighthearted reading about how much people love cracking stick to gingers on St. Patrick’s Day or how many people use the bathroom to pound themselves before, during, and after the Super Bowl. But Pornhub decided to get a little dark with this one, which is fine because this chart debunked the long-standing myth about how people would react when they thought they were about to die. I always figured the plane story from Mallrats was what every human would do once their time on Earth appeared to be over.

But the good people at Pornhub hit us with a good old fashioned Lee Corso “NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!”. It turns out that people decided to do something else as they thought Kim Jong-Un was kicking off World War III. I’m sure some people were crying, others were calling their loved ones, and more than a few tossed everything aside to have real life sex with someone else. Hopefully some of those people had the nerve to shoot their shot with their crush and got it in between 8:07 am and 8:45 am Aloha Time, followed by a tad bit of awkwardness once everything turned out to be fine. Nonetheless, the Fake Missile Baby Boom in Hawaii is going to be a fascinating thing in 9 months.

However, it looks like people really started getting cooking on their computers and smartphones 15 minutes after the JK, LOL alert went out. That gave people enough time to tell their loved ones everything was okay, drink a fifth of the closest liquor, and go to hammer town. The two delinquents on KFC Radio talked about their favorite beer being the “I should’ve just died beer”, which I agree with. I also think that the “I should’ve just died from a nuclear missile nut” will be the best nut you ever bust. I imagine most people would go to their ace video, while others would dig deep into their darkest fantasies and watch the twisted shit they were always too scared of (*cough, Feitelberg, cough*). I’d want personally want my franchise player, Lela Star POV, welcoming my dick back to normalcy. Or is it Heather Brooke’s greatest hits? Uh oh, we may have a QB controversy brewing at the Casa de Clem because as everyone knows, if you have two Go To porn videos, you have none. I hope I never live to see a nuclear missile warning, mostly because I’m not sure I want to have to choose between these two legends of the industry.