I Could Listen to Bill Belichick Praise Blake Bortles All Day


It shouldn’t surprise you that I regard my very good friend Bill Belichick as a man of many talents. And none are greater than what he displays here. If the ability to make your opponents sound better than they are could be used to fight evil, Nick Fury would show up to Foxboro to recruit him for the Avengers.

None of what I’m about to say should be taken as me saying Blake Bortles is terrible. He isn’t. In spite of what Trent Dilfer says. He’s a slightly below average NFL quarterback. He’s this:



Below average enough that if you asked a typical coach about him, he might highlight a the best game of his career or wax poetic about one great throw he made, but ultimately struggle to string more than a couple of sentences together about how good he is. Whereas Belichick makes it look easy. Effortless. It’s like watching a great jazz musician, a freestyle rapper or an improv comic make brilliant art as he goes along.

“He throws the ball efficiently …” (24th in completion %)

“He makes good decisions …” (19th in INT %)

“Offensively as an entire unit they’re very productive. Very well balanced …” (1st in rushing yards, 17th in passing yards)

“He’s the trigger man who makes it all happen …” (21st in passing touchdowns)

All without missing a beat. It’s what Tedy Bruschi calls “spraying the perfume.” It’s a rare skill. Like Paula Abdul in the prime years of American Idol, finding something nice to say about everybody even if they had a voice like a car alarm. Or a middle school principal having to act impressed by the 100th baking soda volcano she’s seen at the Science Fair. Some Patch Media reporter sent to review a suburban community theater production who can’t write anything negative no matter how shitty their Sound of Music is because they’re all amateurs. And Belichick is the best there ever was in the game. I know his coaching days will never end – not ever. But if they did, he’d be perfect in the White House press room, making it sound like Trump has Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and MLK controlling his brain, Inside/Out style. It’s just too bad for the country he’s got more important work to do. Making Blake Bortles sound not half bad.