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Russian Guy Gets Bored, Steals A Tank, Then Crashes Into A Supermarket So He Can Steal A Bottle Of Wine

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BBC- A Russian man has been arrested after he reportedly stole an armoured vehicle and crashed it into a shop in a town north of the Arctic Circle. According to regional news outlet Hibinform.ru, the unnamed culprit took the vehicle from a driving school, before failing to negotiate a bend, destroying a car, and crashing into the shop front in the north-western town of Apatity.

He’s also suspected of stealing a bottle of wine from the supermarket, and “it was with this very bottle that policemen detained him,” Hibinform says. Little is currently known about the suspect, but Russian TV channel Vesti says he was “bored” and took the tracked vehicle from the driving school operated by DOSAAF, a voluntary organisation which cooperates with the armed forces in Russia.

Find a story that is more Russian. You can’t. I’ve been scouring the internet trying to find out if this guy’s name is Boris or not, but I couldn’t find the answer. But we all know that his name is Boris. Actually now that I think about it, Boris stealing a bottle of vodka instead of wine would definitely make this story 1000 times more Russian. FUCK!

Anyway, the important thing here is that for all the the stories that leak about Russia hacking the US in an attempt to know us off our throne, there is a story of a some bored Ruskie being able to steal a tank that was just laying around unattended at the Russian tank store and taking it for a joyride through the window of a Trader Vladimir’s. THIS is the country that’s going to knock America out of the number 1 spot of the Worldwide Power Rankings?

And while I would like to get on this guy for wasting a perfectly good stolen tank in order to steal a bottle of wine, I really can’t. The idea of driving around in a stolen tank is obviously incredible. Being able to fire off the gun and win any game of chicken in the streets would be fun for a little bit. But as anyone who has played Grand Theft Auto knows, the appeal fades away pretty quickly. And once it stops being fun, you are just in a slow ass car that doesn’t even have an AM or FM radio, let alone Sirius XM radio. And without a Sirius XM radio, how are you going to listen to your favorite Barstool personalities on Power 85 starting January 17th? I imagine this all ran through Boris’ head before he decided to crash through that window and snag a nice full-bodied red so him and his Natasha could try to stay warm and maybe get a little frisky during a boring, cold Arctic Circle night (I imagine every night in the Arctic Circle is a boring, cold Arctic Circle night. Man, so much of Russia fucking suuuuuuucks).