It's Playoff Season In Philly: Man Riding The Bus Gets Stabbed In The Face With A Screwdriver


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If there’s one thing I know about this city, it’s that the playoffs make everybody that much crazier. The city of Philadelphia is so used to disappointment in the playoffs that as soon as they roll around for any team, everybody is on edge. Because we’re just waiting for that gut punch to happen. We know that it’s going to end poorly but we just don’t know when and how. So when you’ve got the Eagles as the first ever 1-seed to be an underdog against a 6-seed in the NFL Playoffs, you can only imagine how much easier it is to push somebody from this city over the edge. Especially if that somebody is currently riding SEPTA.

Imagine waking up on a Wednesday morning. You’re already in a bad mood as it is because this week feels like it’s been 17 days long already and somehow it’s still only Wednesday. The holidays are over and you don’t have any kind of break coming up to keep your mind on. You wake up, you go to work, you hate your miserable existence all day, you go home, you eat some cereal for dinner, you go to sleep, and then the next day you do it all again. While you’re busy hating your life, you’re riding the bus to work and it smells like a combination of piss and shit. You’d rather get hit by the bus than ride on it. The only thing keeping you sane is the fact you get to listen to your favorite Barstool podcast on your commute to work. Throw the headphones in, pray that a fat person doesn’t sit next to you, and zone out for a while. Next thing you know, some piece of shit prick decides to start picking your brain about the game on Saturday. You don’t want to have the conversation but you go along with it anyway. Says the Eagles need to give Ajayi more carries, you agree. Say the defense needs to figure out a way to stop the quick slants, you also agree. Then this son of a bitch says that the Eagles should start Nate Sudfeld and you lose it. You lose your damn mind. Yeah, obviously Nick Foles isn’t Carson Wentz but are you seriously trying to tell me that you’d feel more comfortable starting the first playoff game in this city in years with Nate Sudfeld? Fuck you, do. Fuck you straight to hell. So you reach into your bag, grab the object that most closely resembles a weapon–this time it’s a screwdriver–and you stab that bastard right in the face with it.

I’m not trying to justify screwdriver stabs. I’m not saying this guy should be let off the hook. All I’m saying is that when the Eagles are just a few short days away from playing their first playoff game since 2013, maybe don’t try to get in an argument over starting Nate Sudfeld on the bus or else you’re going to end up with a Phillips head to the dome.