I Ate Warm Fish Then Got Boom Roasted By Barnes And Noble On Twitter

So I was zoning out at work yesterday as I’m accustomed to doing and had a thought that had been simmering just below to the surface for some time. A very important thought.

From time to time, I have moments of clarity. This was one of them. I want my apartment to smell like a Barnes and Noble and so do you. If you’ve ever walked into a Barnes and Noble you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the greatest smell out of all the smells. For some reason when you put a gazillion books into a building it becomes the most pleasant smell ever. Add an in-house Starbucks and you’re really cooking with olfactory gas.

Then someone cc’ed Yankee Candle so I tweeted at Yankee Candle and said they should make a Barnes and Noble-scented candle. Really a no-brainer.

At first, Barnes and Noble agreed and it looked like I was going to retire at 28 years old and catch the first flight to Saint Tropez

(despite NOOK coming outta the clouds and being skeptical of my idea. Hey NOOK if you want it, we can make the beef cook you obsolete piece of garbage. Bring it. For anyone in the market, you can buy a Kindle E-Reader on Amazon here)

Screen Shot 2018-01-10 at 11.43.50 AM

But then some asshole felt the need to bring up the fact that I ate warm fish in the office and Barnes and Noble took the opportunity to Michael Scoot Boom Roast me in front of all my friends on the internet

Screen Shot 2018-01-10 at 11.34.01 AM

Let me clear up a few things. First of all, I did not cook or heat up fish in the office. That’s a nasty rumor. I went to a local lunch spot that has a buffet and I scooped some fish into my plastic container. Did I know it was gonna smell up the office like holy hell and people were going to start calling me Stinky Fish Boy Trent? I did not. It was a mistake. However, I will not apologize for it. I’m eating healthy in 2018. I’m trying to better myself. The #EllipticalGangGangGang is taking over the world. Eating gross shit so I can lose weight is part of the process. You’d think my co-workers would be more open to that. They’ve chosen to tear me down and call me names instead.

Screen Shot 2018-01-10 at 12.10.19 PM

And second, fuck Barnes and Noble. Are they serious? You guys sell fucking books. You know who reads books in 2018? NOBODY. Barnes and Noble is going the way of newspapers in a hurry. The only thing they need to re-think is their business model. My idea to sell a Barnes and Noble-scented candle might be the only thing that keeps them afloat over the next decade. They should be kissing my feet for bringing them such a genius idea. Instead, they decide to bite the hand that feeds them and believe a blasphemous rumor about me microwaving fish in the office. Well you know what? Barnes and Noble-scented candle offer rescinded. Enjoy inevitable bankruptcy.