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Michael Douglas Gets Accused Of Masturbating In Front Of A Female Employee

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Two-time Oscar winner Michael Douglas has come forward to preemptively defend himself against an allegation that he masturbated in front of a female employee thirty years ago.

Having been advised that The Hollywood Reporter or Variety might possibly publish allegations by the former employee, Douglas gave an interview to the industry-boosting website Deadline in which he categorically refuted the as-yet unpublished allegations, which Deadline strangely characterized as “tawdry,” saying he “felt the need to get ahead of” the story and that it was a “cautionary tale.”

Douglas says that in December, “I got a message from my attorney that The Hollywood Reporter wanted to do a story about an employee that worked for me approximately 32 years ago [who had claimed] that I masturbated in front of her…I don’t know where to begin. This is a complete lie, fabrication, no truth to it whatsoever.”

Douglas’ statement makes him sound like longtime stoolie Dannyboycane. I’m surprised that Douglas didn’t say that these reports are rubbish, garbage, and rubbish.

With all these libel and slander suits flying about in the wind, I’m not gonna comment on whether or not Michael Douglas did this but once you say you’re a sex addict, anytime I hear that you were jerking off, I believe it. That’s just human nature. If you say that you ate so much vagina that it gave you throat cancer, I believe any story about you jerking off in front of a co-worker. Simple as that.

One thing I don’t understand about all these sex scandals is that so many dudes are accused of just masturbating in front of people. Is that something people do? Even between two consenting adults, I dont feel overly comfortable attacking my lower body’ peninsula in front of others. Certainly not right away. I guess I’m a prude that way. Old fashioned. A sexual rootbeer float of sorts.

Maybe if a lovely lady took me to dinner and kissed me passionately and asked me if I wanted to slip into something a little more comfortable and we both signed legal documents acknowledging consent to sexual exploits whether they be penial, vaginal, oral or…my goodness… anal, I could see it happening. If that happened, I might jerk off just a little bit… a very tiny bit. Like through my pocket or something. I dunno. I’ll have to think about it. I’m certainly not going to be masturbating into any potted plants in my office. That’s just silly and wrong.