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If There's A Record For Most Food Found In A Pair Of Pants, This Guy Just Broke It

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Source - The man accused Dec. 15 of pulling pilfered meat from his pants was identified by Martin County Sheriff’s deputies as Maeli Aguilar-Alvarez, of Indiantown.

A sheriff’s sergeant reported spotting Aguilar-Alvarez exit Rines Market IGA about 6:15 p.m. before plucking the ribs, which typically are high in fat and great in taste, from his trousers.

A further search yielded two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and some mashed potatoes, all of which investigators say Aguilar-Alvarez procured using the five-finger discount.

Investigators reported Aguilar-Alvarez smelled of booze and was intoxicated. Aguilar-Alvarez was arrested on a retail theft charge in connection with the $32.49 heist.

This is the exact reason I would HATE to be a cop. It’s too unpredictable. Officer Doofy went into that search thinking he was going to find a weapon and ended up pulling out an entire barbecue. Ribs, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, hamburger buns. Like, how do you react in that situation? He wasn’t stealing out of necessity, he was shit faced. If he was hungry he would’ve taken a Quest bar. It’s like that scene in Animal House when Larry tries to walk by the cashier with a vest full of bread. Except instead of this being a fictitious college prank it was an actual crime. One that begs the question, how did he actually fit all that food in his pants? Was he wearing Jnco’s?

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Was their some sort of meat suit involved?

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The ribs were in the belt. Which makes sense since they’re both the heaviest and bulkiest item on the list. I have to assume the mashed potatoes were smeared on his legs like a paste. Otherwise he would’ve have had no room for the buns and fried chicken? Which were in his pockets? I don’t know, that’s a lot of food and there’s only one other place he could’ve stored it (his butt hole.)  Regardless, I feel bad for the cop who had to clean him up. Hosing down a drunk, nudy man covered in rib sauce is a dirty job. And yet another reason why I could never be a police officer. You never know what you’re going to get.