My Heart Breaks For The Alabama Football Team As They've Won Yet Another Championship Trophy They Can't Drink Out Of

CFP National Championship presented by AT&T - Alabama v Georgia

First off, you don’t need me to tell you this but what a gosh darn game last night. Between Tua slangin’ that hog all over the field, to Najee Harris reminding everybody that he’s the best freshman running back in the SEC, to a team from Georgia blowing yet another big lead in a championship game. The thing about sports, folks, is that they’re really neat. And last night was certainly no exception.

But my heart is aching for the Alabama Crimson Tide this morning. Think about this for a moment. Alabama football is probably the most dominant dynasty in all of sports right now. 5 national titles in the last 9 years. You don’t go to Tuscaloosa to play ball and not leave without at least one ring. However, not one time have any of these players been able to drink out of a championship trophy. In 2009, ’11 and ’12, they got the crystal ball.


You can try and try all you want to drink out of that thing but the fact of the matter is that unless you break it open, it’s impossible.

In 2015 and last night, they were awarded the Golden Fleshlight.

CFP National Championship presented by AT&T - Alabama v Georgia

Again, you can try as much as you want but it’s impossible to fill that trophy up with any kind of beverage, doesn’t even need to be an alcoholic beverage for those underage Hawaiian phenoms who only drink wine when it’s the blood of Christ. But despite your best efforts, you cannot drink out of this trophy. 5 championships in 9 years, and none of these kids have ever felt the pure ecstasy of consuming copious amounts of booze out of their championship trophy.






It’s a damn shame. But I guess that’s why everybody grows up dreaming about winning the Stanley Cup one day and nothing else.