Important Investigation: Have Women Been Wearing Their Underwear Wrong All Along?

NY Post — Experts believe that your underwear preferences could be affecting your health.

Octavia Cannon, a board-certified OBGYN, told Seventeen why women might be putting their health at risk with their underwear choices.

Instead of giving women a long lecture, however, Cannon kept it brief by outlining these six simple rules for picking out underwear.

Oh no.

My friends, according to “experts,” women just haven’t been getting their underwear right. Unhealthy! Now, Dr. Cannon here claims to be an expert. Fine. I haven’t seen any credentials but we’ll take her word for it. As it happens, I too know a little something about women’s underwear. Plenty of experience. I once walked in on my college roommate engaging in what they call a hookup with a coed. Opened the door and there it was right before my eyes: a woman and, yes, the woman was wearing underwear.

We’ve established that Dr. Cannon and I are two experts on women’s underwear, so let me tell you how this is going to work. Dr. Cannon has laid out 6 simple rules for how women should wear their underwear. I will grade her rules.

- Number 1: Avoid thongs

Even though saucy lingerie can help turn up the heat in the bedroom, wearing a thong could be detrimental to your health.

Cannon explained the stringed undies can cause bacteria, including E. Coli, to spread from the anus to the vagina.

0/10. This rule is a 0/10. Fuck you Dr. Cannon. This is not bad for anybody’s health, not women’s and definitely not men’s:

- Number 2: Pick cotton underwear

Cotton is a more breathable material than silk or other lacy undies.

Cannon believes that choosing the airy option can stop grossness festering in your underwear and prevent infection.

8/10. I have no problem with stopping grossness. Grossness is gross. Anybody who says otherwise is probably a gross person.

I did not give this a 10 because I simply do not know everything about opposing women’s underwear-making materials and each’s effect on grossness.

- Number 3: Change your underwear after exercise

10/10. I mean this is day one women’s underwear wearing stuff.

- Number 4: Use unscented detergent

It can be tempting to chuck in a load of nice-smelling laundry detergent and fabric softener into your washing.

As scented products can end up irritating the skin, it’s always safe to opt for unscented varieties.

0/10. Another miss, doc. Scented undies increase by 10 fold the likelihood of munching box and/or a trip into ass eatin’ SZN. These activities improve everybody’s health. Did you even go to medical school?

- Number 5: Don’t squeeze into underwear that’s too small

7/10. I was tempted to disagree with this but I know better. It’s important to me for women to feel comfortable. I love and respect women. I want them to be happy. There’s just no way wearing underwear that’s too small is comfortable. There’s no way that leads to healthier and happier living. It’s not even comfortable for us and our shit just hangs there; women’s go all up in everything and, well, I don’t wish that for anyone.

You might be wondering why this scored a 7 and not a 10. Well we are in the trust tree and, being honest, tiny ass underwear on a woman can be sexy as hell. We already discussed the added benefits of sexiness.

- Number 6: Never re-wear underwear

10/10. Laundry is important, ladies. Don’t be lazy.

Overall, I am forced to conclude that Dr. Cannon is an idiot. She’s wrong about multiple crucial women’s underwear wearing techniques, and the ones she’s right about are so obvious Gay Pay could’ve told us them. He’s allergic to women’s underwear. Isn’t that how gayness works?