Is The Patriots' Problem That They Aren't Following The Rule Of Two, A Sith Philosophy?

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I’ve heard a thing or two about sports this morning, as you do, and many people seem to be extremely upset over this ESPN “hit piece” about the power struggle in the New England Patriots’ organization. I, as a writer for Barstool SPORTS, am obviously an expert on the subject, and if we’re taking Seth Wickersham’s report as even slightly true (which I understand we’re not, but just bear with me here), I may have discovered the chink in the dynasty’s armor.

We always refer to the Patriots as the “Dark Side”, or the “Empire” because of their willingness to be the bad guys while dominating everyone in their way…and also because of these pictures of Bill Belichick:

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Now you’d think the Patriots have been executing things perfectly from the “Dark Side” with their five Superbowls since ’01, but you’d think wrong. The conflict within the organization right now has the potential to make the entire system collapse, and it’s subtly been an issue since the very beginning: they are not following the Rule of Two, an ancient Sith philosophy created by Darth Bane, a millennium prior to the Battle of Yavin.

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According to Wookieepedia, “the Rule of Two mandates that only two Sith Lords could exist at any given time: a master to embody the power of the dark side of the Force, and an apprentice to crave it. Bane recognized that Sith infighting had weakened them to the point that the Jedi could destroy them, as the last remaining Sith Lord.”

You could of course argue that the system collapsed in 4ABY, when Anakin Skywalker turned on his master not to make room for an apprentice, but instead to bring balance to the Force, but for a THOUSAND YEARS before that, the philosophy seemed to work. Even after Vader turned on Sidious, the Dark Side continued to follow the Rule of Two to a degree, because of it’s successful history. It’s weird, because like, who would ever sign up to be a Sith Lord and take on an apprentice if you know your fate is to one day be murdered by said apprentice to make room for his apprentice, but that’s neither here nor there. A blog for a different time.

Right now, all I’m saying is, I think the Patriots would be best suited if Bill Belichick murdered Robert Kraft, preferably by hurling him down a large shaft into the abyss of space. Or, if Kraft and his apprentice Bill decide Brady is the piece of the puzzle that is suddenly not fitting, a false prophecy, they may want to murder him instead. Just saying.

To the people of New England, I’ll say you are very welcome in advance for figuring this out, and to everyone who’s ever told me to “stick to sports”…this is what you get.