Reports Say Chocolate Could Be Extinct By 2050

This is not a future that I am willing to face. It’s funny to say and think about and all, but I truly cannot imagine a world without chocolate. I’m not even a basic chocolate bitch either, worshiping at the altar of chocolate and drizzling it on everything/ruining everything with it like that psycho Max Brenner.

But a world with no chocolate isn’t just robbing us of chocolate bars. This means no more chocolate chip cookies, no more brownies, no more Ben and Jerry flavors with chocolate ice cream swirled in. No more chocolate cake, nor frosting. No more Coco Puffs or other fakely flavored cereals. No more chocolate syrup. No more chocolate labs. It would be terrible.

And not to step into Chaps world of sexualizing the inanimate, but how many things can you list that are sexier than a chocolate fondue fountain? Watch this video and tell me if you don’t need to excuse yourself immediately after.

I’m spent.

The cause of the impending chocolate shortage may shock you. From the International Business Times article about the shortage.

Cacao plants originated millions of years ago in South America. The crop is only capable of growing in the lower story of the evergreen rainforest, where warm temperatures and rainfall are plentiful.

However, these regions will soon become an unsuitable host environment for the cacao plant.

I had avoided knowing a single thing about global warming for my entire existence so far, but I can live in the dark no longer.  If we’re facing a chocolate shortage, I might go down to West Virginia and shut down those coal mines myself. Oh, those are your community’s only jobs and you were born into a situation where you have nowhere to move even if you could afford it? Sorry. We might loose Reese’s Cups.

In other chocolate news, Chef’s “Chocolate Salty Balls” went to No. 1 18 years ago today. Binge your chocolate while you can folks, we might not have it much longer.