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#1) Barstool Van Talk Episode 1: The Complete Transcript

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Editor’s Note: Since there was no official script I paid a girl in Thailand (Taiwan?) $44 to transcribe the first and only episode of Barstool Van Talk.  A half hour of television that will live in Barstool lore forever.  People forget that it was fucking hilarious, and ESPN’s cowardly cancelling was the final nail in the coffin for its credibility.   Their loss.  

Barstool Van Talk Episode 1

Air Date: October 17, 2017 at 1 AM EST

Scott Van Pelt: … change the channel, or go to bed, or do something, anything besides watch this show. In the next couple of seconds, do that.

Big Cat: Do you need a comb to get ready for the show?

PFT: I’ve got a curler back there.

Big Cat: Yeah, we can set you up. What do you need? Like some lotion or …

Scott Van Pelt: I don’t have any hair. You guys should do some jokes about me being bald. We’re having laughs in a van. Is that the name of this show?

Big Cat: It’s actually Baldy McBaldface.

Scott Van Pelt: Ah, okay, cool. That’s better than Fatty McEscobar.

[theme song 00:00:32]

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Big Cat: Welcome to Barstool Van Talk. Nailed it.

Welcome to Barstool Van Talk. I’m Big Cat. This is PFT.

PFT: What’s up?

Big Cat: We’re two guys that started a podcast about 18 months ago called Pardon My Take. It quickly shot to number one in the charts, not to brag. Hey, PFT, what does one million daily podcast listeners get you?

PFT: Oh, it gets you a coveted 1:00 AM time slot on ESPN2.

Big Cat: Ooh, so here we are at 1:00 AM on ESPN2.

PFT: The Deuce.

Big Cat: A little background about us. We started that podcast because we like sports, we like fun, we like to joke about ourselves and joke about sports media. It’s funny that we actually are on ESPN now, because when we started that podcast, the first thing that happened was we got a cease and desist from this very network.

PFT: That’s right, but fortunately me and Big Cat are two legal beagles, so we wrote them back a nasty letter of our own. We cease and desisted them and said, “You cease and desist cease and desisting me.”

And they were like, “Wow, these guys really have their [bleep 00:01:58] together.”

Big Cat: So ESPN has trusted us with a TV show at that coveted 1:00 AM time. They did not let us do it live, so before get to some highlights and our interview with Scott Van Pelt, we’re going to do a little choose your own adventure on the sports that happened tonight. PFT, let’s start off. The Astros and the Yankees played a game. Who won?

PFT: Who the [bleep 00:02:17] cares?

Big Cat: Yeah, okay. Dodgers and Cubs, I’m a Cubs fan. The Cubs won in a walk off grand slam, Anthony Rizzo, crazy, everyone was drunk. It was the greatest game of all time.

PFT: I think you just cursed it. I think the Cubs are now cursed again for the next 108 years.

Big Cat: All right. What about Kyrie versus Lebron?

PFT: Big game.

Big Cat: Huge game.

PFT: Kyrie returns to Quicken Loans Arena, the Q, the Big Pyramid Scheme. My guess is that they probably had some sort of a triplicate situation with Dwayne Wade, Lebron James and Kyrie at half court, just smooching during the game, setting a tremendous example for sportsmanship for the kids at home.

Big Cat: I think we’ve been right with all three of our predictions here, but I’ll give you an alternate ending on this one. Lebron actually sat this game out and spent the entire three hours subtweeting Kyrie from the locker room.

PFT: Ooh, good take.

Big Cat: One of the perks for being on ESPN is that we got to go up to Bristol and kind of screw around and check everything out.

PFT: Yeah, we smelled Chris Berman’s seat. Bucket list.

Big Cat: Still on my mustache.

PFT: You’re not getting that out.

Big Cat: Don’t want to.

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Whoa. My god. Is this it?

PFT: This is Boomer and TJ’s place.

Big Cat: This is prime time.

PFT: So cool.

Big Cat: [Sniffs 00:03:31] This is Boom. That’s TJ. Oh my god.

PFT: Do you want to go?

Big Cat: Let’s do it. Whoop.

PFT: Whoop.

Big Cat: Whoop.

PFT: Pew pew pew. Whoop.

Big Cat: Pew pew pew. Fumble.

PFT: They’re not gonna get it.

Big Cat: The New York football Giants. Whoop.

PFT: Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. Pew pew pew.

Wake up, Maggie, I think I’ve got something to say to you. It’s late September. Hopefully the kids are just back in school.

Big Cat: The frozen tundra. Whoop.

PFT: He’s matriculating the ball down the field. Whoop whoop. Oakland Raiders.

Big Cat: Pew pew pew. Whoop.

PFT: Let the Swam be the first to wish you a happy New Year.

Big Cat: And let me be the first to say we’ll be right …

PFT: Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.

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Big Cat: Welcome to the Barstool Van Talk studio. This is the place we’re going to be when we don’t want to be in van anymore/it breaks down. As you can see, we have not really moved in yet.

PFT: It’s minimalist.

Big Cat: We’ve got a lot to go.

PFT: We are bloggers. We come from the internet. This has a mom’s basement kind of feel. We’re going to add to the set as the show goes on, as long as we don’t get canceled.

Big Cat: Yeah, so just a little note to all you viewers out there. If you see the sock on the door, you probably want to stay clear.

PFT: If the basement’s a rocking, don’t come a knocking.

Big Cat: Just doing some lovemaking, some self time to ourselves, some self improvement. Hey PFT.

PFT: Hey Big Cat.

Big Cat: Hey, remember when you were growing up and you got to watch highlights on TV all the time?

PFT: Yeah, geeze, remember when ESPN used to play sports?

Big Cat: Yeah. Remember when you didn’t know who won the game until the next day?

PFT: Yeah, let’s go back to that time and forget all the technology that we have at our fingertips. This is going to be Guy Lights. We’re giving it to you.

Big Cat: Dudes.

PFT: We’re giving it to these dudes. Every dude out there watching, we’re going to give it to you.

Big Cat: We’re going to give you stuff, and you’re going to take it. Chug this highlight right now. Guy Lights.

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Aaron Rodgers, broken collar bone.

PFT: Yeah, good point.

Big Cat: Yeah.

PFT: Do you think that the fact that Aaron Rodgers isn’t close with his family means he wasn’t breastfed?

Big Cat: Yes.

PFT: Well, he wasn’t breasted to a proper age of like seven or eight, so he’s got brittle bones, lack of calcium.

Big Cat: Saints Lions, lot of defense being played.

PFT: I feel like these two teams play each other like five times a year and they each score 50 points every game.

Big Cat: We should just actually just put the Saints and the Lions in the Big 12. That’s where their home is. Be careful, Golden. I feel like he’s going to get hurt one of these days.

PFT: I also don’t like the fact that he’s got III, so III, like bragging that his grandfather had sex. It’s like, we get it dude, your grandfather [inaudible 00:06:36].

Big Cat: Ryan Fitzpatrick, he went to Harvard.

PFT: Yeah, people don’t talk about the fact that he is a Harvard College graduate, and there he is using the Pythagorean theorem to find the pylon. That was nice. What I think is awesome is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went from Jameis Winston to Ryan Fitzpatrick, which is like Florida State to Harvard is like going from reading a popup book to reading James Joyce.

Big Cat: Yes. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

PFT: What?

Big Cat: New buddy cop.

PFT: That would be a good one. Either that or it’s seafood [inaudible 00:07:06].

Big Cat: Are you serious?

PFT: Either that or it’s just seafood theft.

Big Cat: Are you serious right now?

PFT: Seafood theft. Seafood theft.

Big Cat: What’s going on with you?

PFT: You say it.

Big Cat: Seafood theft.

PFT: Seafood theft.

Big Cat: There you go.

PFT: Nailed it.

Big Cat: That was weird. We’ve got Big Ben against the Chiefs.

PFT: Look at Big Ben, his face here. Look at this. He’s an all-time fat face guy, one of the only people to ever get a concussion from putting on a helmet.

Big Cat: Has Big Ben fixed his broken nose? I feel like his nose is just permanently broken.

PFT: No, he just wears a different hat. He puts on a weirder fedora to distract from his face.

Big Cat: Yes, maybe that slick … I miss the slicked back. We call that the Booger Big Ben when he looked like a big booger.

PFT: He looked like a guy that was going to kidnap puppies.

Big Cat: Yeah. We go to Baton Rouge, Coach O. Coach O does not know how to cross himself off.

PFT: That’s fine though. If you’re a football guy, you just see other people on the football fields doing the cross and that’s fine. I love more than anything seeing Coach O happy after a win. It’s like you watch and you just start weeping when he smiles.

Big Cat: I actually think, now that I’m looking at this again, Coach O can actually talk to God. He actually looked right at God. He looked in God’s eyes and he’s like, “Thank you, God, for letting me win this game and run this ball and Go Tigers.”

PFT: Heavenly Father, in your name we’re going to pour this extra pot of gumbo out for you. Come down here and get you some Sunday supper.

Big Cat: Yeah. Go Tigers.

PFT: Go Tigers. Thank you for being a member of the Tiger family.

Big Cat: Yeah. God is a Tiger, always been a Tiger, loves jambalaya. Go Tigers.

Ooh, Tommy. Tommy with the quote saying … Nothing gets a team going like a good old suicide threat.

PFT: Tommy is essentially taking himself hostage for this playoff series, which I almost respect that. You’ve got to win one for the old guy.

Big Cat: We met Tommy, actually, when we were down at spring training, and he might have been trying to commit suicide then, because he was walking around with a big fistful of turkey. He was raw-dogging some turkey.

PFT: He was rolling it up.

Big Cat: He looked like he was just going to walk out of the facility and just never turn back.

PFT: That’s fine. I think it would be a fitting end for Tommy. He’s the only guy I could actually imagine dying by walking into a sunset.

Big Cat: Yeah, he just maybe walks into the woods and finds a nice warm log and just lays by it with all the ants and the little critters, and just maybe munches on a little turkey and then death passes over him, so better win, Dodgers.

All right. Coming up after the commercial, we have Scott Van Pelt in Vandy Woodhead.

PFT: That’s right. We’re in Bristol, Connecticut. ESPN, they put some tuna out and they let the outdoor cats come inside, so we came inside the mothership.

Speaker 4: Don’t miss 11 simultaneous matches on decision day. Coverage begins Sunday at 4:00 Eastern on ESPN and MLS Live.

Speaker 5: At five and one, the Eagles are flying high.

Speaker 6: Make the most of every opportunity you get, man.

Speaker 5: And look to cement their hold on the NFC East on Monday Night Football. Redskins, Eagles, Monday, 8:15 on ESPN.

Speaker 7: Are you ready?

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Scott Van Pelt: Let’s see, let’s make it really not uncomfortable. Ooh, I hit my head.

Big Cat: Scott Van Pelt, the first ever episode of Barstool Van Talk.

Scott Van Pelt: Thanks for tidying up around here.

PFT: Here’s a good question, Scott. You’ve been at ESPN for it feels like forever.

Big Cat: That’s a great question.

PFT: You were here when The Deuce was the The Deuce.

Scott Van Pelt: The Deuce.

PFT: We’re trying to bring back The Deuce. Besides the leather jackets, which would look super cool, what else can we do to bring The Deuce mentality?

Scott Van Pelt: What I just did, the thing that Greenburg would do. Do that a lot.

PFT: Deuces.

Scott Van Pelt: Yeah, boom. Do that, because that is cool. Kids are going to love that a lot.

Big Cat: Bad boys.

Scott Van Pelt: I was going to say mustaches, because Stewart had a mustache back in the day. There it is.

Big Cat: Like that? That’s what I do. I try to get the people going. Just cleaning myself up.

Scott Van Pelt: You know what that is right there? A deuce.

Big Cat: Yeah, that’s The Deuce. I’m too dumb to realize what I was doing The Deuce all along.

Scott Van Pelt: I think mustaches, doing a lot of this stuff, and the leather jackets is a great start.

PFT: A lot of this stuff.

Big Cat: Mustaches, gang signs and basically act like we’re in West Side Story.

Scott Van Pelt: And then do a lot of …

Big Cat: Barstool Van Talk is coming.

PFT: Yeah, yeah.

Scott Van Pelt: No, rap lyrics. Rap lyrics. This is late night. You’ve got to do a lot of rap lyrics, whether you know what they mean or not.

PFT: Hey kids, get in the van. We’re two guys trying to give you some candy.

Big Cat: Done. All right, got it. Should we be wearing suits?

Scott Van Pelt: No.

PFT: Why not?

Big Cat: Look at you. You’re like such a journalist.

Scott Van Pelt: No, I’m not. It’s just …

Big Cat: Look at me. Look at him. You look like you’re going to court.

PFT: How many pounds does the camera add to you, because I feel like I could put on some weight. You’re kind of a string bean guy.

Scott Van Pelt: Kind of.

PFT: So in person, it looks like maybe the camera puts on like 30 extra pounds on your frame.

Scott Van Pelt: Roughly. Roughly. People are going to have you pegged as like a nose guard.

PFT: Ooh, I’ll take that.

Scott Van Pelt: Like a Dontari Poe type.

PFT: A nose guard. The guy from the Dolphins, that coach could have used a nose guard.

Scott Van Pelt: Whoa.

Big Cat: I’ve got a real question for you. What has changed at ESPN and how do you deal with the evolution and things changing and people saying, “Oh, I don’t like this. I used to like this,” and kind of the sell out?

Scott Van Pelt: Well, what has changed is that we’re sitting in the satellite lot and I’m talking to two guys from Barstool in a van.

Big Cat: True.

Scott Van Pelt: That’s what has changed. You guys know this better than anybody. Content is king, and if you have content, then you end up in a van on The Deuce at 1:00 AM letting people peruse.

PFT: If somebody comes up to you and say, “Hey, Scott, I loved you on Pardon My Take,” and then they walk away, be honest, under your breath you’re like, “[bleep 00:12:39]”

Scott Van Pelt: No, I just …

PFT: You hate us.

Scott Van Pelt: We have a TV show that we’re on.

Big Cat: What time is it?

Scott Van Pelt: It’s midnight. [crosstalk 00:12:46] Always has been.

Big Cat: So it’s a center of sports?

Scott Van Pelt: It’s the worldwide leader. It’s the epicenter.

Big Cat: So you guys play sports?

Scott Van Pelt: We did long ago.

Big Cat: Okay. So what position do you play?

Scott Van Pelt: Right now I play an old man in van.

Big Cat: How are you doing with Twitter trolls?

Scott Van Pelt: I’m trying.

Big Cat: Okay. I know you’re trying. What about gambling Twitter trolls, because that’s a special breed.

Scott Van Pelt: That’s where I’m not doing … I’m doing as well with Twitter gambling trolls as I am with my picks, which is to say not very well.

Big Cat: You never take favorites.

Scott Van Pelt: I don’t.

Big Cat: You’ve said this to me before.

PFT: Yeah, 13 underdogs.

Big Cat: Yeah, and the worst teams. You take the worst teams.

Scott Van Pelt: I sure do.

Big Cat: The ones that make your stomach turn when you put in the bet.

Scott Van Pelt: Yeah, so maybe this week it’s just all favorites, just Chalky McChalkerson. You just lay them. How about that?

Big Cat: Sometimes you’ve got to do it.

Scott Van Pelt: Nah, there’s a whole bunch of dogs I like this week.

PFT: You want to do Mt. Rushmore?

Big Cat: Yeah, let’s do some Mt. Rushmores.

PFT: We’re still new to this TV thing. We want to do the Mt. Rushmore of words that you can’t say on ESPN.

Scott Van Pelt: Okay. I guess they just beep it and they pixelate my mouth?

PFT: Yeah.

Scott Van Pelt: [bleep 00:13:51] That word you cannot say.

PFT: What about [bleep 00:13:56] head?

Scott Van Pelt: See, now that you can’t. You can’t say fudgey because that’s too close to the first one.

Big Cat: Really?

PFT: I heard Rex Ryan say “folks” the other day and they were like they had their finger on the button like, “Ah, is he going to say …” What the folks? With Rex, I think they were just concerned that he was going to go, “Feet.”

Scott Van Pelt: Everybody’s got stuff. Everybody has got their things.

PFT: Oh, I’ve got some stuff.

Big Cat: A lot of stuff. We’re in a van.

Scott Van Pelt: And then the last one is, it’s disc, but that’s bulging disc.

Speaker 8: Hurst has been playing with a bulging [bleep 00:14:23] disc in his neck.

Big Cat: The Mt. Rushmore of sellouts.

Scott Van Pelt: Obviously here you are on ESPN. You’ve abandoned the tawdry dark web. I’m going to say Big Cat, PFT, Hank, clearly. You know who else? Metallica. Sell out every seat every night, baby.

PFT: I get it.

We talked to a first first grade class, Mrs. Winters’ first grade class.

Scott Van Pelt: Hi, Mrs. Winters.

PFT: We had the little ones, the little tykes write down some questions for you.

Big Cat: Real questions.

Scott Van Pelt: They’re precocious.

Big Cat: This is from Timmy.

Scott Van Pelt: Hey, Timmy.

Big Cat: He said, “You make my daddy gamble so much that he sold my soccer cleats and now I can’t play sports.”

Scott Van Pelt: Wow. Sorry, Timmy. Tell daddy to stay away from the exotics and trust the process. Just trust the process.

Big Cat: Yeah. Keep taking those terrible teams.

PFT: So gamble more.

Big Cat: We’re real journalists. You’re just a fake one. What journalists do when they don’t have good questions — this is going to be a tip for you when you do interviews. If you don’t have a good question, you just say, “Talk about it.”

Scott Van Pelt: Ah, right.

Big Cat: This is the segment Talk About It.

Scott Van Pelt: I like that a lot.

Big Cat: We’re going to show you some pictures and you’re just going to talk about it.

Scott Van Pelt: Okay.

PFT: Look at that handsome guy.

Big Cat: That’s Scott Van Pelt with hair.

Scott Van Pelt: [crosstalk 00:15:42]

Big Cat: Oh yeah, it is you. Next picture is up.

Scott Van Pelt: That’s fat Van Pelt.

Big Cat: It’s you.

Scott Van Pelt: Yeah, it is, obviously before many a gastric bypass and other surgeries.

Big Cat: Next picture.

Scott Van Pelt: All right.

PFT: I can’t see from over here. What does that say?

Big Cat: It says Wisconsin 50 … Yeah, why don’t you say it.

Scott Van Pelt: That’s Wisconsin 52, Maryland 7. That was the first time we played you in the Big 10, in which we are a member of that conference.

PFT: This is a great game that we invented. It’s called Holy Crap, This Guy Looks A Lot Like Scott Van Pelt.

Scott Van Pelt: Oh wow, that’s a segment we should try.

Big Cat: Rapid fire, give us how close they look like Scott Van Pelt, one to 10.

PFT: No, a scale of nine to 10.