Top 50 of 2017
Original Post Date: 3/6/2017
Now I’m something of a wildlife expert here at Barstool. Young Pageviews fancies himself an outdoorsman and an animal expert but I’ve got the experience. No, I dont like to go outside. No, I dont have any face to face experience with exotic animals. But I have been debating human vs. animal death fights on my podcast for 5 years. We’ve done it all. We had 100 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck. We had Big Cat locked in a small room fighting a cow where he said he’d scoop out the cows eyeballs. We had Asa Akira saying she’d kill an elephant with a baseball bat as long as she had a platform to stand on so she could reach it’s head. We fought sharks in swimming pools. We all thought about the Squirrel Apocalypse. We even fought off a barrage of 5th graders charging you one at a time. Those are arguably wild animals too.
And so now here we are, Arian Foster vs a wolf. Let’s go to the tale of the tape:
Weight: 229 lbs
Agility: Pro athlete level
Durability: Not so much
Intangibles: 4x Pro Bowler, 2x Rushing TD Leader, former NFL Rushing Leader. Not sure what these have to do with wolf fights but thats the resume, folks.
Height: 2.6-2.8 ft tall
Weight: 66-180 lbs
Agility: extreme agility. 10/10
Durability: Probably better than Arian Foster’s
Intangibles: jaw pressure of 1500 psi, Human-like eyesight, Hunt in packs, however have been known to single handedly take down elk or in some cases even moose, Inherent fear of humans, A rabid wolf can kill up to 15 people in a single rampage
So let’s see. First off assume this wolf isn’t rabid. Arian never said anything about rabies. So this is a regular wolf. Let’s call it 160, since 180 is the absolute largest. An average wolf. Let’s assume Arian Foster has healed from all these injuries from running around with a football:
Now the main knock on wolves are that they operate in packs, and are actually afraid of humans. The movie The Grey is factually inaccurate basically from start to finish according to National Geographic. Also, while wolves are expert hunters and predators, they are relatively timid when it comes to pure violence. They have no interest in hunting humans for sport or spite. Finally, they don’t have thumbs. Which Arian seems very, very focused on. In my mind, that means wolves would be very bad at opening pickle jars. In Arian Foster’s mind that means wolves are pussies.
The main knock on Arian Foster is that he’s an injury prone millionaire with hands, teeth, a jaw, and all other body parts that have evolved to eat nicely prepared meals cut into tiny pieces. There is little to no ability for Arian Foster to pierce the wolf’s prime coat and inflict damage upon its flesh.
So to recap – wolves aren’t great solo and don’t want to fight humans, Arian Foster is not a natural predator at all in any sense of the word.
My final answer is the wolf. Mainly because I think those teeth, claws, agility and primal instinct far outweigh any edge Arian Foster has mentally (Arian fancies himself a “biology” expert apparently) or in the height/weight department. Sure, wolves don’t WANT to eat a human, but lock them in a room with an NFL running back who has his internet pride on the line and I think that wolf is going wild on that guy. Wolves will avoid human contact at all costs but we have to assume once he’s in fight mode he’s going in for the kill. Too many teeth, too much instinct, and too much agility for an opponent that is not at all equipped with natural predatory skills/anatomy. I think that wolf eventually rips your arms and then throats to pieces.
My only main question is how well can a wolf take a punch? I feel like if Arian Foster scored a direct blow to the top of a wolf’s head, that wolf might be in trouble. A big elbow or fist or knee to the head. You’d have to be able to knock that wolf out cold. If that can happen…maybe Arian Foster gets lucky. His other option is to try to break the wolf’s neck, but I think the beast is too quick and evasive to be in that position.